Please hear what I'm not saying.

I do not know how exactly I would relate to this poem because Taylor (if you remember from my millions of blogs from last year) actually sent this to me, so when I read it I thought about how it relates to him, and not as much myself.
The only one I can really relate to is "Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness, but i hide this." Taylor yet again is in rehab and will be gone for a very long time. So with this I feel very alone and confused and I'm scared for him, his life and his recovery. And even more so how he will react/behave once he comes out (sometime next year). I have talked to him everyday since the first day of freshmen year, so not talking to him is honestly very horrifying. I've been told I cut myself off from talking to others because I did not trust anyone from him, and this is very true. I can talk about my experiences, but how I feel is a lot harder. So I guess as of right now that is the only quote that I can relate to.

I think it was more of an ice breaker, everyone was looking around the room more then likely to see each others facial expressions, which obviously reflects how they are feeling.... most of the time. I think in a lot of ways people can relate to this poem weather its just one sentence, or somewhere in between most of it and all of it.

Like I said earlier, since I was read this poem by Taylor, I do not necessarily focus this poem on myself, and rather him. But the ones that stuck out to me, well the ones he emphasized were.

"I need no one, but please don't believe me. Please"
He said this to me right when he came out of rehab the second time (march 31st) and right then and there I knew he needed more time to get help for his addiction. But when he said don't believe me he meant more of "I need help but I won't admit it to anyone because I can do it on my own" and the part where it said I need no one, he was referring obviously to he needed no one to help him, but he was justifying the situation but at the same time he knew he did need help.

I did not admit a lot of things to many people about my health, and why I do stupid things sometimes, but I do not lie about what I have been through.
"But I do not tell you this. I do not dare. I am afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me"
When he read me this I was very shocked. I found out that he had been using drugs in June of 2008, so I went without even knowing he did drugs for about 2 years. He told me that exact quote to express why he never told me. Everyone else knew but me, so that is significant to me as well. It also describes me because my parents did not notice I was abusing my medication, and they still do not know I DID (past tense). I was to afraid to tell them my problem, and it took me years to get over it, and I did it on my own. Since taylor has an ego the size of the world, he thought he would do it too, but he did not realize he had an addiction to more then just opiates.

I don't have a name.

I went to my doctor yesterday, well my therapist yesterday and talked about the whole cannabis card thing. She oddly enough said that it is a good idea. Since I am a minor though I have to get it signed off by my parents, but I qualify for all three of the major "symptoms" bad word choice but yeah. I was shocked she said that. She is a 60 year old women that grew up in one of the richest parts of Colorado, the same place Taylor was born, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Odd I know. She said she was going to call my doctor, and another doctor that dispenses cannabis cards. I was shocked. She told me if i do not want to smoke, I can have edibles or even lollipops, I think it sounds gross but I mean I'm really tired of my muscle spasms, horrible anxiety and stuff like that. So I'm on the fence about it, but if it is (and it is) for medical reasons, I do not see what the problem is with it. I talked to my mom and she straight up said no, I'm not going to even bother asking my step dad. He'd scream at me, that's all he is good at. SO I have no idea if my doctors will do. I've looked up all my medications.

It makes no sense to me, So I take a lot of stimulants and I take so many that when I work out my heart pumps so much, but after a while I get really tired and frustrated. I got sent home from work this weekend because of my anxiety and depression. Somehow they both.."hit" me at the same time and I was freaking out, and people could see it on my face. My boss was freaked out and so were my co-workers. I'm thinking that doing life guarding is not the best job for me. I have to basically babysit a whole bunch of los gatos brats who don't listen and then I get in trouble for it. My friend works at Jamba Juice so I'm thinking that would be better for me. I'm tired of those stupid kids. Even the parents are ridiculous.

Kick boards aren't allowed in the pool. Well only the parents can use them in the lap lanes, but the (boys especially) grab them and make title waves or end up using them as light sabers and start hitting each other in the head. I took them away from some boys... around 14 years old. Their mom was a ways away from them and she looked at me while I was taking them away and got out of the pool to get them more. I had to go talk to her about it to. I was so mad, but I kept my cool. She started arguing, and basically told me that she is going to bring their kick boards and I told her that I would either get my manager or I'd take them away too, and I walked away from her, and being the at least 45ish year old women with a brain capacity of a 5 year old decides to argue with ME about the POOL RULES which I did not even come up with. .

Kids honestly start running around the pool deck and I yell at them from the high chair not to, and they look at me hear me... and then wave and keep running. Its UNBELIEVABLE. I will never raise my kids in Los Gatos. 

Random fact:

My step dad only calls me by my name when company is over, and he has no friends so that is really rare. I have a whistle that I respond to, like a B**8y98. If you know what I mean. My siblings are "trained" as well. I was brought up so strict with that whistle that when I use to hang out with friends outside I'd run inside and they wouldn't understand what had just happen or what I was doing. Then I'd come back outside and they would just be standing there, and I'd give them a look of "what.." and they'd just look at me weird when I told them "I don't have a name". 

denim kurtis

Is the biggest air head alive. At volleyball practice (since I am the manager for the varsity team I practice with them). He always tries to push my buttons like he is a first grader trying to get a girl to notice. It is really annoying. He always tries to sit next to me at games, and pretends to throw a ball at me, and just little weird stuff like that.

Two weeks ago he came up to me and hit me in the stomach, I would call it a punch.. well a really weak one. I was still livid. I was so mad and shocked I just stood there and then I went to go hit. After 15 minutes of being heated he came up to me and was pressing my buttons and making noises in my ear. I turned around and got in his face yelling at him to never touch me like that ever again. He stood back and kept making mean noises at me. Then I grabbed my purse and walked out. Koring then pulled me aside, and asked me what was wrong, I thought he was mad but he really wasn't, I told him something really personal about me getting punched in the stomach when someone would try and get their way and denim reminds me of that person and it scares me. Koring just stood there and he looked down and said how sorry he was. I tried to smile and said that it was a while ago, and grabbed my stuff and left. I was about to open my car when I noticed that I left my keys in the gym. I had to walk all the way back to the gym and Denim was sitting on the table where my keys were. He looked at me and I had never seen that expression on his face. He looked really upset, maybe Koring told him what I told him. I really do not know. So I grabbed my keys looked at him and walked out. 

I called Taylor crying and he kind of freaked out and asked me what happen. I told him and he was sooooo mad. 

Taylor told Denim to knock it off and Denim started talking a whole bunch of .... bologna (to put it in better terms). A thing that I worry about with Taylor, and also my older brother is that if someone messes with me, (like something extreme) they either fight them themselves, or they get someone else to do it. But with both my brother and Taylor, when they fight they either stop when they know someone is broken, or they aren't/can't move... and in rare occations if someone pulls them off. Taylor has been really good about not fighting, but my older brother (tim) on the other hand is not at all. I tell him absolutely nothing. Ew, no. 

my anxiety

It's up the wazoo. I'm taking medication for it, and my doctor keeps changing it. Changing my medications for it does and WILL NOT help me. He always says that it takes a while for medication to kick in, and like when it should be, about a couple weeks later, he switches me again. I have insomnia, a hard time wanting to eat, and really bad anxiety. My doctor said this way isn't necessarily the way to go but he said maybe I should get a cannabis card. I was really shocked. I do not think it is a good idea. I really wish that I didn't have anxiety. I got sent home yesterday from work because I felt so bad. My doctor knows that my muscles are always tense, because of my anxiety and I honestly get naucious from it.

I wish I didn't have it, or need to take stuff to fix it. I have to talk to my mom about it tonight. My step dad will say no, but I have to have a parent sign it off since I'm underage. I think that my mom might think about it, and might say that as long as my mom dispenses it to me. Its so weird. I'm just tired of taking medication for it, its making it worse then better.

gah.

 

my mom

Is one of the most, unique.. people I have ever met in my life. She buys the same closes that I wear, and even the same underwear that I do. Not even different colors, THE SAME ones.

She thinks she is really funny, and she tries to be like me. She doesn't understand sarcasm, so she obviously has no idea how to joke around really. She gets offended easily on top of it.

She decided to put cameras all over the outside of the house, and it's really freaky. She watches the tapes of the day on a monitor at the end of the day, and I guess she is really excited about this new "hobby" she has.

The across the street neighbor HATES flamingos and my mom. So what does my mom do? She buys at least 30 plastic flamingos. She did this last summer too, but she bought more be cause "they weren't as pink anymore because of the sun". I think its pretty funny. She has called the cops on my mom because she parked the car on the side walk separating the drive way and the street, if you know what i mean. and then the cops came and they almost gave her a ticket. but since my parents are technically still married, and my step dad is a cop she got off easy. 

she then yelled "No ticket SUSAN!" she hates when people call her that. She has more then 30 motor cycles, instead of adding on to her house, she added two other garages attached to hers so she could fit all of them. They all just sit there. There is even one "on display" in her house. She is such a weird lady. She hates dogs and made a pond in her back yard as well. 

She has a cat and she didn't even name it, WHO does that? Susan that's who.

life guarding.

This weekend I was at work, i didn't happen to mention that it was ALL weekend.

There was a group of kids that decided to hold their breath under water for some reason, and I freaked out.

There was a group of kids that were trying to figure out who was going to be it for Marco Polo. They were trying to decide using the horrible technique of 1 2 3 not it. they were saying 1 2 3 not it for my whole shift... 15 minutes. I thought maybe the game they were actually playing now was 123 not it, but whatever.

Kids kept going under the lap lanes where the old ladies and men in speedos (which should be against the law) were side by side bobbing up and down until they go to the deep  end and then would either doggy paddle or just turn around and head back and do that over and over. There were a group just right under me doing "stretches with their noodles". i have no idea what they were doing really. When it was time for me to rotate the guy behind me sat in the chair and I went to move to the next one, and I turned around and he was just staring at me and he called me over and got off the chair and asked me to sit. I didn't really want to because after the position I was about to be at, would be my break. He then told me that i'd still be like that but i'd just be sitting at the high chair then the low one. I asked him why and he told me the old ladies bathing suits were too revealing on top. and then he started to nod his head. Of course I caught on, he started going on a saga about how women shouldnt have saggy wrinkily boobs. I wasnt really listening to him.

The place I work at is really strict about rules. Kids can not have kick boards in the pool, and a group of dumb boys decided they were going to grab some and "surf" under water (basically stand on the kick board on the bottom of the pool and try and balance) the dumb part is, is that i've seen them every summer since i've been life guarding. They know better. Stupid boys.

So  I had to get off the high chair because they wouldn't listen to my whistle, which I never use, and they wouldnt listening to me yelling at them. So I walked over to them pissed, and held out my hand. I was afraid to go off on them. I was soooo irritated. They looked at me all innocent, and I told them they know better, and they all looked at each other smirking. They handed me their kick boards, and honestly 15 minutes later the grabbed more. 

There were girls across the pool that kept on hanging on each other and told them to stop hanging on each other and thier reply was "We're not hanging on each other, we're playing a game." I was dumb founded. I had no idea what to say. I just started laughing and looked away.

There were two chairs and one person sitting at each and a third person to rotate so we all would get a break at one point. A girl decided to take a 35 minute break. So I sat there for 35 minutes on the high chair, waiting, so it was like 3:50, and my break was suppose to start 5 minutes before, so now I only had 10 minutes.  Its not that big of a deal, but she does this to ME a lot.

There was this (watching my french) meanie head loser that decided to sit next to my boss instead of rotating. He sat there for 3 hours not doing one thing. I was just as mad as my boss because she always complains about him. He was directing me what to do, and I got off the chair and went behind him and put my hands on his shoulders and bent down to his head and told him not to tell me what to do. My boss just sat there. she knows how much of a .... loser he really is. He looked so confused. Stupid bleach blonde guy that lays out at work, water polo "funny man". 

Well this is not all that happen this weekend, but just the "good" parts.

coke, all the knowledge from my brian.

cocaine. One of the biggest street drugs out there. Usually taken through injection, or snorted through the nose. When you first start injecting coke, you are 75% more likely to get hooked faster. (I cant find a way to word that last sentence).  "The pot plant" is just a street name for the Cannibus plant. Usually people say that "If God didn't put it on earth, there is no reason not to use it" or whatever people usually say along those lines, but its not just an herb like people say. It has more then 400 chemicals. (it took me a week to learn how to pronounce it, its not hyphinatied that is just how you would say it out loud). But the main chemical that you get out of coke is alkaloid. 

People don't realize that when you use coke, you can't just stop. I mean technically you can but it's a huge struggle. All the chemicals from coke are stored in your fat of your body, and when you sweat it off you can instantly get that feeling of being on coke back, and this is one of the reasons people relapse.

The "high" from coke only lasts for about an hour. (kind of depending on how long you've been a user), but with meth it lasts for 12 hours. Meth is considered to be the "poor peoples crack.

One really common name for coke (street name) is flake and powder. One common one from meth is Tina, speed, and klur. 

Opiets (stimulants like heroin im pretty sure) are ususally "sprinkled" into marajuana, but ususally coke is. People have done coke when they think they're just smoking the "herb", without even knowing it. I've heard from people that they "had the best weed the other day" because it probably had other things added to it, like coke.  

Alot of people start using coke because it is one of the main drugs that causes you to loose weight really fast. It increases your heart rate (stimulant duhh) and you have little to no sleep for a couple days, and then the exact opposite for a day or two after. 

Coke is more of a sugar texture then meth and heroin is a rougher like salt texture.

One way to make more money when you're selling it is to add baking soda to add to the weight. People also add sugar or meth even. They usually chop it up (if they buy it in bricks) and split it in half, or whatever they want. To the other half they would add in whatever they wanted, and keep the pure coke for themselves, and that is kind of how they would make a lot more then they should be making.

this is all i have for today:)

wisdom teeth

Getting my wisdom teeth was the worst experience of my entire 17 years of life. My mom sang to me and I immediately woke up. It was so obnoxious. It was 6:30 in the morning and I had to be there at 7. Since i have horrible anxiety my lovely mother set it really early on monday morning, third day of spring break. 

I walked into the office and had to sit in this spinny chair so i could keep myself preoccupied. I failed miserably. I felt really light headed and I was probably whiter then Capser. They finally took me in the back room to be put on IV so I would stop having a panic attack.

this lady named Nicole took me to the back room and I was hoping she would shoot me or something so I wouldnt get my teeth yanked out of my head, but unfortunately she didn't. She told me to sit in the chair, so I followed orders. She sat on this little rolly chair and scooted towards me. She grabbed a tray that had all these tools that looked really scary so I closed my eyes and put my hands over them just incase I were to open them for any reason. She asked me to get my hands off my eyes so she could put the blood pressure monitor (you helped me with that word) and also to put this weird clampy thing on my finger. She also hooked up these circle things on my chest that had colorful wires connecting to this machine that sounded like a lawn mower. 

Then she hooked me up to this oxygen thing that wrapped around my head and my nose so I could breath, cause I guess i'm not capable of doing it for myself? She started talking to me about Justing timberlake and I wanted to stuff my sock in her mouth and see what'd she had to say about that. I kept my eyes closed and tried to tone out her stupid voice. She would ask me about school and about my life, and personal questions too. It was really awkward. Then she decided to ask me what medication I was taking. I told her that all of them I could not pronounce. She started laughing as if I was kidding or just plain stupid, I'm really not sure, i didn't ask. She looked at my chart and her eyes got big. She named off all of them. 

I just rolled my eyes.

All of the sudden I heard this noise that sounded like a dying video game, and my oxygen, blood pressure thing, the thing on my finger and the circles on my chest shut off. She looked at me and laughed as if I did it or something. I looked at her and just grinned, I didn't really know what to do. I was freaking out. She said it does this all the time, I was about to piss my pants right there and then. Finally Dr douche monkey walked in with a huge smile on his face. He had this white coat on trying to be all official. He had those weird shoe covers on his feet, and I tried to procrastinate and asked if I could get a pair. He started laughing, as if I was trying to crack a joke. 

he came back and put them over my vans and oddly enough I got really excited. Then he told me about what he was going to do, and I got kind of angry and just said I know he was going to rip out my teeth and I was ready to roll. He laughed, again. He grabbed the IV and put it in my arm. I got all foggy minded and passed out after a minute to nicole talking yet again about Justin. Thank god for the IV.

After the procedure was done, I would not wake up for like and hour. My mom was freaking out apparently, they were going to take me to the hospital but then I woke up. I started talking about weird things and my mom was taking pictures of me which she has as her screen saver on just about everything that has the option to have screen savers. Lovely I know.

I went home and my mom made me a vanilla or chocolate milk shake every hour.

she got me in her bed, because it has a TV in it, and I started watching the hills. She tried to take off my shoe covers and my shoes and I almost kicked her. She gave me a vikodin and I passed out and slept until like 5. I woke up to my shoes off. I was upset but whatever.

April 20th, and May

Taylor is doing really well staying sober. I've researched allot about recovering drug addicts that come out of the wilderness. Apparently 85% of recovering drug addicts out of treatment relapse 1-4 times. Taylor relapsed twice. He smoked weed (took two hits). I am very proud of him, he learned from it. I do not like that he did it, but I'd rather him relapse earlier then later. Well I'd rather him not relapse at all but I figured he was going to. 

His big things before going to rehab the first time for a month (July 12- Aug 12) was shooting up coke. He has not shot up coke in almost a year. He has he has no temptations to do anything drug related, or drinking. I'm really proud of him, so are my parents. They both love him to death, especially my step dad. They were really disappointed, and so was I.

His mom is a morphine addict, and that triggers Taylor all the time. He hates living there, but all his relatives live in Colorado (where he is from) and he does not wand to move back there. His mom talks down to him all the time for being a drug addict and that is when he got fed up and relapsed. He told me smoking was the worst way to handle it, and luckily he learned from it. (this time I'm talking about was the second time) His mom is blaming his relapses on me, so I can see him or talk to him for two weeks (one more week to go).  He has an Itouch though, which has Internet, and his mom knows this. So we email a lot throughout the day. 

My step dad had a "meeting" with Lauri (Tay's mom) and basically told her off and telling her that I'm one of the biggest supporters in his life, along with Taylor's dad and my family. She was mad about it and has not talked to our family since then, about a month ago. So apparently his relapses are all my fault according to his mom, when in fact Taylor has admitted that his mom triggers him not anyone else. Just one more week, it won't be that hard considering I had no communication or visiting privileges for over 3 months. 

4/20 is duh, the "day to smoke pot". It was his first 4/20 sober, and he was really excited about it. So was my family. My step dad knows what 4:20 is but not my mom. He said that temptations for doing weed is hard, but luckily he still and has not had temptations to do any drugs, period. Well besides weed. I don't like the fact that he gets tempted to do weed, but its better then the drugs he was hooked on, and is not anymore. I finally started to understand what temptations are with drug addicts. Its apparently like when you're allergic to something but really like it, like peanuts and seeing them or smelling them makes you want them and it takes alto to not have them. Well a better example is probably smokers but you catch my drift. 

All and all I'm surprised he's doing so well, its only going to get easier from here. according to like over 20 websites that is. they say the first 3 months are the worst, i've seen documentaries on a lot of famous people and their drug addiction, and they all say the first three months suck (he was in wilderness for that long) but after that it gets easier. It gets easier if the addict wants to stay clean, and Taylor wants to. So viva sobriety.

vista and church of synanon

I was so shocked to see him. my mom even started crying. We finally got out of the air port and we had to walk around the parking lot in the dark to find the car. The light went off and a loud beeping sound made us all turn our heads. We got all of his and my steps dad's in the bed of the truck and hoped in the car. I put on the seat warmers, it was so cold. We all began talking about the place that he was at called Vista. 

He told us a story. He began with how he ran away. He had to memorize approxmite times certain people were in certain places of the phacility. He said he finally got them down the night he ran away. He said he went down the hall, past the large rooms where the therapists and mentors hang out, and once he passed that he had to pass their rooms to get to the kitchen. Once he was there he had to wait about 15 minutes until the mentors would pass the kitchen door to go into the dining hall to eat and watch movie or just talk. He grabbed a couple knives and went back to his room. There are bars outside the windows, but you can not notice it on the inside (like some bathroom windows have little plastic pieces so no one can see in, I can't explain it). So they can not sneak out. Every parent that comes, of course, does not notice it.

He begins to get a little off track and tells us that he had  to tell the parents good things about the place, and that it has saved his life. He also apparently had to lie about how long he has been there so it looks like he has been doing well or whatever their motive was. He said he felt sick doing it because then another kid will have to go through all the horrifying things that he has gone through so far. 

He attempts to back track but tells us how he was on "lockdown" where he had to wear a orange suit and was not allowed to wear his own clothes. The therapist was talking to him about breaking off every relationship he had with people of his past, including me, and apparently that is why he left, along with the synanon association.

He finally gets back on track and begins to talk about how he got out. He somehow (didn't say how) screwed off a couple bars and slid his way out. He has very broad shoulders so I do not know how he got out. Once he got the bars undone he said he grabbed a tshirt that he found and put it on. He didn't even have shoes, he just left. He said he ran for about 10 straight miles (we looked online to see how long he went from Vista). He had to go through some really bad towns in the middle of no where. He told me he had to pass a whole bunch of homeless drunk people. They asked him if he wanted some water, or vodka I don't remember and he took some. He took one sip and started crying. He told me that he learned the most important thing of his life. He saw people that were doing drugs and being homeless because of it. He told me he doesn't want that for himself.

We asked him how he ran from the cops, there were a hole bunch of crews looking for him. He is apparently the first person in over five years that has successfully ran away from this place. He started telling us that if someone runs away they send them off somewhere else, or make their life a living hell for the rest of the time while they are there. He told us that he'd have to hold kids by their arms, and someone else would hold the kids legs and swing them back and forth, like a pengilum while the person swinging would have to start crying. He didn't look like he wanted to go in anymore detail so we didn't talk about it anymore.

He began to tell my parents about how he has the tools, and for the first time wants to use them to stay sober for HIMSELF. My step dad started tearing up, i saw in the rear view mirror. He began to tell us plans on what he wants to accomplish within the year. And as of now he is getting close to taking the first step, his GED. 

Once we got home my step dad sat on the couch and my mom went into the kitchen and sat at the bar area. I sat down and then saw Taylor running up the stairs to see my little brothers. I hear them screaming and laughing. I go and run up there, and yet again the big fluffy teddy bear is tearing up. My brothers asked if his arm was okay (we told them he was in the hospital because he broke his arm) He laughed and looked at me. I tried not to grin, and he looked back at them and said he missed them. We went down stairs and then had to take Taylor home. 

tim

Saturday, I'm sitting on the couch waiting for taylor to get here. I'm watching Finding Nemo because there is nothing better to do. Oddly enough my brother walks in. I'm shocked, I close my eyes pretending I had been asleep for quite some time.. .even though he saw me close them already. He goes back outside and I glare at my step dad. He did not even bother to tell me that he was coming. I become livid. My fist tighten up, and I was so furious I got a head ache. I storm into the kitchen and grab a cup and pour spaghetti into it with a lattel.  Tim opens the door and goes to give me a hug, and I shoved him. Hard too. He starts cussing at me and I back off. I am scared at this point. He says some choice words. and I begin to scream back at him. "DAD's pills are upstairs you ************************ " He gets quiet. I do not know if he is on speed. I become very scared at this point. My adrenaline rush is completely gone. If he IS on speed and the fact that he is NOT talking, is a very very bad combenations. Along with my brothers temper added to this equation. I start yelling at him, not caring about the "cautionary rules" of being around someone on speed. I walk right past him and throw my shoulder into his side. He starts cussing at me, and as I walk past the door I see my disabled step dad hobble up the drive way to split this up. My brother and my fights have NEVER been this physical. Luckily the triplets were outside. My step dad finally walks in, and breaks it up. I'm surprised he did not grab my throat like he has before. I just walk out, and call my brother the B word. There are 5 of his guy friends just standing outside. I walk right past them, and glare at every one of them. I start to run around the block a couple times, but once I get ready to turn the corner, I turn around and run the other way back around the block. I did this until I heard a car at my side. I do not even look at the car, I turn the other way and begin to dart. I hear Taylor's voice yelling at me to stop. I turn around and squint to see him down the street. Finally I stop, and he comes up to me and give me a hug and he heard what happen, We begin to walk home.

march 30th. part 2

My phone went off in my pocket. I did not bother to answer it because I knew it was my brother calling, by the sound of the ringtone I made for him when he calls. He calls a second, and third time. I grab my phone out of my pocket to turn it off. I see I have three voice mails, and I see the number and it is an 801 area code. I begin to cry histarically. 801 is the area code in Utah. I call back but he called on a pay phone. A hundred thoguhts go through my mind. What if someone had him captive, and told him to call me and have me do something or taylor would die? Or what if he was lost, and didn’t want to come home even if he could? What if he told me goodbye, for a very long long time? I sat there, my heart was throbbing in my chest. I had to lay down on my back and take long deep breaths, ordered by my mother so i would not “pass out”.
My phone rings on my stomach. I answer it before the second ring. “Hey Rach.” he says. “TAYLOR! Where the fuck are you?!” he goes on to saying that he was running from the police and the mentors from Vista (his rehab treatment center). He tells me that I was right about the Church of Synanon, and he begins to tell me all of the “practices” that they do there. I begin to cry even more. My step dad grabs the phone from me and puts it on speaker. My step dad begins to tell him what to do in order to stay away from the police, go figure right? A cop telling a boy on amber alert, to run away from the cops. Makes sense? He tells him where to go and to be careful and what not. Then the phone hangs up. Taylor calls back on the pay phone seconds later. My step dad tells him to press 0 and call collect, and then we all get off the phone. He calls, thankfully it will not hang up. My step dad tried to calm him down, but is not successful at all. He tells him the plans. My step dad is going to fly out and get him in the morning.
Taylor beings to freak out, once again. My step dad tells him to try and remain calm and collected or else he will look very suspecious. I can hear him trying to calm down, but I know he is so scared. If Taylor is found, they take him back to Vista and he is put in a room, and they inject him with this pain killer which knocks them out for at least a day and a half, and once he wakes up he is stuck in there for 2 more days with 3 mentors with him. I would be freaked out too. Taylor told us that, and my step dad tells him he already knows, and this is why he is trying to keep him even more safe. Finally my step dad gives me the phone. We talk for a good hour, just about things. I did not want to talk about what he is doing or where he was and such. He told me, though, that he had to plan this out for days. He found out when the people leave the kitchen, and when the mentors are not on staff. The mentors always check up on the kids every 15-20 minutes. They walk around, of course, but they are technically not on duty. Taylor told me he had to sneak out of his room, go down the hall pass the mentors lounge, which was not necessarily a room, just a big open space. Then he had to make his way past the therapists rooms to the kitchen. There he got knives, and had to pry the window open in his room, then he got out and booked it 35 miles (wrong distance in last blog) to Salt Lake City. He made it there in two days (march 30th). Apparently he ran, and took on break and kept running, slept and then did it the next day.
Then he went on to saying how horrible they treated him and other people there. He said that other people that night tried to escape and the mentors put both him and this other kid on lockdown, and he still got away. Apparently, according to Taylor's dad, no one has successfully ran away from that place since 2004 just about five years ago.
Finally Taylor and I get off the phone. He told me it was snowing and that he needed to go find somewhere to hide. We say our good byes, and I can tell how happy he is to be coming home.

NEXT DAY

I did not even come close to sleeping. I looked out my window the whole night, like i did while he was missing, just hoping he would come around the corner. I finally decide to close the screen window and lock it. I pull the covers over my head and  wiggle around, at the same time my cat falls off the bed. I finally fell asleep and have to wake up just a couple hours later.

I start getting ready for school at 5:45. Just 15 hours until he is home. I counted the hours down ALL DAY. It was horrible. School went by so slow, and so did practice. All I thought about was going to pick up and seeing him after almost 4 months. My hits were bad, my passes were horrible. I decided to leave practice and go to MCdonalds. I'm a weird girl, usually when girls get upset they eat and eat and eat. But with me when I get upset I do not eat, and i had been upset for more then 4 months by this time. I have lost 10 pounds and apparently people can see it in my face. 

Finally practice is over at around 6:30, but i lollygag until all the players take down the nets, and coach talks to me about things. I pull out of the staff parking lot with alot of the players. They are stopped at the light, leaving "pony av" or whatever. I put my car in park, and i hop out. I run and pull up all the guys' windshield whippers, it comes out of no where.

Then all of the sudden they all get out and two grab me and one gets in my car and locks it. They finally let me free and I grab one of the guys that was holding me's keys. I point one up in the air and I run over to  his car, and act like i'm about to key it. OF COURSE i would never do that to his car, but it got him out of it. I think we missed a light because everyone went back to their cars, and I did it again. I got out and put both of them up on at least 8 of their cars. They all get out once again and pile on top of my car. At least 9 of them did. The JV coach was behind this little prank.

They finally get off my car and I started honking at them. We make quite a big scene at the intersection. I pull out and go around all of them and wave and turn right onto blossom hill. They all put there hands up, puzzled. and I honk and drive away smiling.

It's finally time to pick up Tay. I just do my hair and my mom and I leave. I have a HUGE anxiety attack on the way there, my mom made me put the seat down. I was suppose to follow her in my step dad's car, but he wouldn't tell her where the keys were. So now all four of us have to drive back.... together....

My mom and I get there at least a half an hour early, and on top of that the flight was delayed. Great. My mom and I somehow get in through the gates, and wait for him to get off. We are waiting on some bridge that seperates... something, i forget. But anyways we just sit there. I lay my head on my moms lap. My brain hurts, and I swear my heart was going to burst out of my chest. Finally I see my icky step dad, and taylor come through the gates, and I run to give Taylor a huge hug, and of course, start crying.

Ryan McPherson

He is my closest guy friend. Not my best friend, that Taylor, but just a brother.
He use to do the same things Taylor use to, drugs/experiences and all. Of course not exactly, but for the most part every addict did the same things.

Ryan is in the Boulder Mountain Academy.
He told me that the therapists call the parents and tell them how well Ryan is doing in the program. And even though he sounds "moody" because he wants to go home, that he is making huge progress, and not to pay attention to the fact he wants to go home.

The parents believe it.
Therapists stand there to make sure the kids do not say anything bad about the organization, and if they bring up a negative word, like horrible etc, the therapists hang up the phone. and call the parents to tall them that he is sorry that Ryan hung up because he was frustrated.

When parents come and interview these rehabs, therapists, yet again are standing there and children are made to say positive things about the place. Kids are threatened to keep their mouth shut about the synanon and other things that the mentors force them to do. And if the kids somehow tell, the parents call and tell them what their son or daughter tell them. And the therapists basically say that he wants to get out of there because he still wants to do drugs. The mentors keep up with the parents and basically tell them that their kids lied about doing drugs, and are lying about what they are saying about the place, if they happen to blurt it out before the therapists can say it.

The children get stuck in this room every Monday and Wednesday and have to listen to music for 2-4 days straight. They are made to go in this room, also, to lay on mattresses and "connect with their inner child" and throw a fit on the mattress, and everyone has to cheer for them.

Ryan's therapists told him that he is every ones puppet, so he had to dress up like one, make up and all, and walk around school all day. There is one licensed therapists on staff where he is at. and they are not allowed to call it group therapy because it technically is not. Most all rehabs in Oregon, Arizona Utah and Idaho are affiliated with the church of synanon

There are several types of organizations like this, one was CEDU, like i said. They are in "cahoots" with the synanon.

There is more bizarre things that are happening with Ryan right now


When he was taking a visit at home this weekend, he got contacted by Time magazine and the New york times for him to get interviewed. They are trying to shut down all of the rehabs that are affiliated with synanon, CEDU etc.



They are going to fly Ryan out to wherever he needs to go to get interviewed.
Thankfully Taylor is home. He got treated the same way.




the end.

Church of Synanon/CEDU

Synanon, initially a drug rehabilitation program, was founded by Charles "Chuck" Dederich Sr.

By the early 1960s it had also become an alternative community, attracting people with its emphasis on living a self-examined life, as aided by group truth-telling sessions known as the Synanon Game. Synanon ultimately became the cultish Church of Synanon in the 1970s
ynanon began as a two-year residential program, but Dederich soon concluded that, because full recovery was never possible, members could never graduate. The organization developed a business that sold promotional items, a successful enterprise that generated roughly $10 million per year of revenue.

Professionals, even those without drug addictions, were eagerly invited, provided they transferred their assets to the organization. Control over members occurred through the "Synanon Game." The "Game" could be considered a therapeutic tool, likened to group therapy; or a social control, in which members humiliated one another and encouraged the exposure of one's innermost weaknesses, or both.

ax issues arose. In response to these accusations, Dederich declared that Synanon was a tax exempt religious organization, the "Church of Synanon."

Children assigned to Synanon began running away, helped by an "underground railroad" that sought to return them to their parents. Beatings of opponents and ex-members, "splittees," occurred across the state.

The average time a student spent at a CEDU school was 2-1/2 years. The school year was 'year round'. The original CEDU program did not believe in use of psychological medicine. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 1pm to 5pm (sometimes 6pm) students were forced to 'group therapy sessions' called raps. Raps, in this CEDU period were highly confrontational - at any given moment in a Rap there were could be between 1 to 15 students screaming at other students or, with their head pointed towards the floor, screaming at their own 'emotional issues' and/or crying uncontrollably. During this period the faculty that facilitated these rap groups were essentially 'self anointed' healers. Approximately 95% of the faculty had no accreditation or training specific to intensive Gestalt based 'group therapy'.

CEDU was pronounced See-do. A motto did say: "See yourself as you are and do something about it.". However some claim that the name actually stood for Chuck E. Dederich University named after the founder of Synanon. Before starting CEDU, Wasserman had sponsored children for Synanon. However when Synanon turned into a cult, he started on his non-profit organization.



THE system of personality destruction, peer pressure, rewards and punishments,fear tatics similar to those used by Chairman Mao in Communist China. Critics feared that Dederich was giving memebers a new addiction (Synanon) to replace addiction to drugs. Synanon today stands as an example of coercive persuasion's power (brainwashing)

Synanon had by then possessed its own fleet of trucks and automobiles, hundreds of motorcycles, a mini-armada of 21 boats, a squadron of ten airplanes, even its own airstrip.


Students also experience several other workshops throughout their stay. Seven of these are referred to as "Propheets", in which the general theme for the propheet is based loosely on the writings from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. Examples of this is Gibran's passage about Joy and Sorrow, which is used in the Truth Propheet, or his prose about children, which was used for the Children's propheet. The name of the workshops are obviously referential to said book. Mel Wasserman was quoted as stating that a propheet was to "Take the words of the Prophet and put feet to them." Propheets lasted a full 20-24 hours.

march 30th

Taylor has been missing for over 48 hours.

He escaped from rehab. (i will explain in another blog)

He has been running from 24 crews of Magna UT officers for, yet again more then 48 hours.

He has an Amber alert out for him in Utah, and one soon will be released in Nevada.

I have been shaking in my boots for the whole time he has been missing. 

I was actually more mad then sad-angry-scared.

I couldn't believe that he left rehab.

I know Taylor better then anyone on the planet, and he would not leave Vista (his rehab) if there was not something wrong with it.

He was genuinely excited about moving on to the "next step" which is Vista, in Magna UT.

He would have ran on his way there if he really didn't want to follow through with this next step.

He called me yesterday (march 30Th) at 8:20

I have a ring tone for my brother which I knew, and I forgot that I also put my regular default ring tone as the same one. So when he tried calling I thought it was my brother and did not bother to check.

I got a voice mail, and minutes later  I looked at the number. 

It was an area code 801. I freaked out and tried calling back

I knew he had called on a pay phone.

I waited and waited for him to call back.

It seemed like forever until he called back, but it was actually a matter of minutes

I started crying hysterically. He tried to calm me down.

He sounded so scared. We have "duplicate minds" So I always know his feelings through his voice and actions.

He told me about the horrific things he went through while he was JUST there for 2 whole weeks.

Then the pay phone lady said he had 30 seconds. I told him to call 0 and ask for a collection call to my house, and that is all he heard right before the pay phone ended his call.

He called my house and I accepted the phone call.

My step dad ended up talking to him for at least 10 minutes.

My mom rushed over to my step dad's house to find out what was going on instead of hearing it after. Oddly enough there was no fighting between the two of them, probably because they are worried about him.

My step dad bought a plane ticket to leave in the morning to meet him at some hotel. And somehow Taylor knew exactly where it was.

So my step dad landed and went to go to the hotel. Taylor left a store and bought a Gatorade, and the alarm went off, and they thought he stole something when he didn't.

The cops came and they recognized by his picture floating around, that the cops were looking for him. Taylor explained the situation, and the cop knew that the rehab that we was at was affiliated with the Church of Synanon, and pretended that he did not see him. He apparently was really nice, and understood what Taylor went through, and was going through now.

The place finally found out that he did not steal anything, and that it was someone else.

Him and a guy left at the same time, and the clerk thought it was him instead of the other guy that walked out at the same time as him.

Which was probably exactly what the thief was planning to do.

Luckily the police officer let him go once my step dad called and said he was a cop, and that he was picking up his son. He had to say that Taylor was his son because if he didn't Taylor would have had to have an ID to board the plane, and because my step dad was "his dad" he did not need it. And thankfully my step dad changed his last name on the tickets he printed. He's very sneaky. I would never have thought about it.

tension

On of the worst feelings that someone can come across. In my case, tension becomes anger, which yet again in the end becomes rage. I feel like a tank of gas that is empty and is just coasting down a long drive way to god knows where. My house is this long drive way. My parents are communicating. My dad resigned from the police department, I did not find this out until a week after it happen. There was two columns in the paper stating false things that the community accused him of doing. One of which was carrying a gun off duty. He is allowed to carry a gun where ever he'd like, cops in general (i think depending on their rank) can carry guns off duty. My step dad cal carry a gun on an air plane. He has done it before. Also, the community said that he RAN and pulled down flyers that people had set up all across Palo Alto. My step dad can barely walk, let along jog or in this case run. It is a complete joke. My step dad went to the new captain and chief and demanded that they would never give out false information like this again, and in the paper the next day it said what had happen about being angry about the last column in the paper, and it did not justify why, and along with that it said more things that did not happen. My step dad is sueing Palo Alto Police Department for 100,000 dollars. He is going to win too, that is the funny part. They know not to mess with him, but they are apparently up to the challenge. All of the lower ranks that my step dad supervises absolutely loves my dad. He is strict but fair, nice but serious. I do not know how this was said, but that is what an sever officers have told me. The new captain was the one that decided my step dad should be laid off for being on "disabled" something or other, and could not do the streets, and had to be in the office until his knee replacements in a couple weeks. May would be his five years there, and after then he was going to retire with all his medical etc, but he was pretty much forced to resign about two weeks ago. I do feel bad for him in a way. He seems better off, but that is always the front he puts on.

I do not understand why people put on complete fronts, but make suggestions such as fake smiling and saying with a sad tone that they are perfectly fine and then put their head down. It is not illegal for feel down or depressed. I think in society that people are afraid to show to much emotion, and that this has been happening for a very long time, especially in police departments. Showing emotion in the department brings down other officers, and affect the officer that is having a hard time. Other officers target them as being weak. So much for being a "team" right? That is how the world and any company or work place is. It is a high school for grown adults. Something always has to happen, to make people feel like they have it better off by bringing other down or twisting what they saw or heard to others like a game of telephone. Messages are spread and what it comes down to is anger and rage for a short or long period from someone, and other get flushed down the toilet for their negative emotions that had nothing to do with the victum to begin with. Its a vicious cycle. In high school, there is an program every year, breaking down the walls. It is affective the day that people are in that gym, they learn things about people, but once they walk out, hours later nothing they learned in that gym is put into practice. When will people be simpathetic to others, and not expect others to be nurturing towards them until they show some sign of caring in the first place? This will never stop. People point fingers at others for problems in society but in reality they are apart of the problem. 

letter#2 February 20th

he has three pieces of paper a week to send to a list of 6 people. i got all six, on my second letter.

Dear Rachel,

I was so happy to finally get a letter from you that i almost did a freaking back flip. I have probably not been this happy in over 2 months. All of the stuff in your letter was so good to hear Ray. I'm super excited about you playing volleyball again! I really regret acting how i did about it before (jealousy, possessiveness etc, about people staring at you, because the important thing is that you're enjoying it, and it's something constructive that makes you happy. Having said that, if you do catch someone creeping while you are in those spandex, let them know that i'll walk out of the desert just to give them a good stomp!

So jamba juice huh? well maybe when I come home i can get a job there with you. Yoga also sounds like a good idea, you and your anger problems rach! I'm glad your mom is making you do it though. keep yourself as busy as possible and i'll try and do the same. I'll start doing yoga out here in the snow, so that way we can have a battle.

So the beard/stash that I have is pretty magical and yes it does keep me quite warm out here in the desert ice box of Utah. My hair is getting pretty long, and I promise I won't cut it just for you. I might lock  it up though when i come home, so I do not become rasta or something... I have not decided yet but i'll keep you posted. Its nice to hear you're growing your hair out too, instead of hacking it all off into a bucket.

Well I'm interested to hear how you're doing emotionally. Are you still going to therapy? how is tony becker treatin ya? how's all that going? how are things with la familia? anything new with tim? I know you worry about him a lot so I hope things are better... How are your grades young lady? A's i hope! 

Oh yeah, what's your book about? that sounds like something you'd be really good at. I've been making journal entries everyday too, its an assignment every stinkin day.

Well i'll continue to do my best out here and I know I'll be thinking about you every minute of every day. Keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like you're doing well.

I love you very very much and I can not wait to hear from you again.

Love Tay

p.s. happy valentines day. and happy six months too (feb. 21st.) I have something special planned so get ready! i love you more the end (myy line)

(another piece of paper to me, that he decided not to write to anyone, apparently)

I's also nice to hear that things haven't changed too much and that you're still wearing my clothes and that boo bear is still and active part in your life (a bear he gave me for 2 years ago) It's also pretty awesome that you're spending time with my mom. Oh yeah, congrats on passing your drivers test. That's so awesome. Well I'm glad you liked your necklace. It's nothing major but I thought about you when I was pickin it out and it took me forever to decide which one to get you. But it's not cool you got meee presents! I didn't want you to get me any ray! lol

aOh well i'll just get you another one, and one-up you when I get home. Rach, you are truly an amazing person and the fact that you will continue to stand by me in such hard times really speaks to the incredible character that you possess as a person. I really can't believe how lucky I am to find somebody with so much genuine love and caring in them, it is a rare thing to find in life, and I found you. Thank you for being the person that you are, and sharing that with me. I have learned a lot just from being around you. There is no way I could ever replace you.

I am doing alright here. I miss you more and more by the minute and I can not wait to give you a huge hug and kissses next time I see you. The food here is terrible, and we just got a blizzard the other day, so shit is rough, but i'll live. I read a few books this past month and i pretty much just pack up, hike, make fire, and eat. Everyday lol. I spend a lot of time day dreaming about visiting Ireland!

It have been so aggrevating that I can not see you but like you said, it's best for me to be here. I am starting to think like I use to before drugs. Being here has made me think about life, and just about everything else more clearly, and it has put a major spin on life for me, which I am truly thankful for. I'm truly sorry about what has happen in the past between us, you did not deserve it. You're to good of a person to experience my life with me for the past 3 years, but I do thank you for it. I went to rehab for you, but I did get out too soon. I'm glad I'm here again and making huge progress.

I love you.

Taylor 

long weekend 14th-17th

friday, 

my mom pulled me out early. Then my step dad called suligan, and asked him to take me out of school at a COMPLETELY different time. Not to conveinant on my part, but i guess I  have to put up with it for a while. So I got in the car and drove home, hitting every red light. I am actually a good driver; meaning I do not speed etc. I got to my mom's house, and my step dad called to ask where I, i had to play the part of the owls in Harry Potter to get all the times and schedules straight between the both of them. Great fun huh? My mom drove me and my wonderfully obnoxious triplet siblings to the dentists office. I hate getting my teeth cleaned. I hate the scratchy sound, inside my mouth. It is not that pleasent. I got in the building and there was a women about to bring all of us back to her, as she called it, "station". I honestly had no idea what was going on. My mom usually cleans all our teeth (she is a dental hygenest). He lady had really curly hair. She had hair like shirley Temple, but hers was a deep brown. She had blue contacts on, which was even more creepy. She told me that I was getting head gear, and invisaline. Whoa? So I'll be done with allll the "fases of this amazing process" according to her, until the end of my senior year. Plesaent. 

Saturday

I have not been able to sleep, at all. I have noticed that I always wake up at three. I realized over time that I looked at a text message Taylor sent me, three hours before he was taken away, and I rembered I read it around that time, 3:00 -ish.  So I went to my physicatrist, and my mom told him how I only sleep between 3-4 hours each night. I have noticed that, that is all I do get. My mom has tried a little more, to make up for her not being there for my 504 meeting. I honestly have no idea. I have been at her house lately, because my step dad has been having alot of stress at work. So me and my siblings were shipped to her house over the weekend, and through out the week. I like staying with my mom, more then my step dad. My mom notices my patterns of sleep. She is very concerned. Dr. Grossi took me off of 2 Klonipin (1 pill of xanix along with even a small amount of alchol will totally mess with you. My klonipin is twice to three times as strong, depends (of course) on the size of the person, and their tollerance/how long they have been doing drugs..) So technically me taking 2 of K, does not make me sleep. My doctor is completely surprised. He gave me this completely strong pill, Tr- something. I don't remember how it is spelt. It does not work either. He told me if it does not work the first night, then maybe the second night. If that doesn't work, he even said that it will be a huge problem. He said I can not... not sleep with how strong my medication is. So I've been doing that.

night time:

I go over to my down the street neighbors house for "young life meeting". I will be honest, I do not beieve in a higher power of any kind. I could go on forever on facts, along with my opinions not to believe in a higher power. My mom thinks it is unhealthy, so she told me to "try it out" So I drive there, just for the heck of it. Its probably like six houses down, the opposite way, down my street. I really like my neighbor, he goes here, and he is a senior. We use to finger paint where we were little. And then we "seperated". That awkward stage of "guys and girls" whatever thing. But now we are close.

I remember going a while back, last year. So I knew alot of the people, and I have for sure kept in touch with this one girl that goes to ST. She is a sweet heart. We all went in the front room to watch a video. On what? drugs. I knew it was going to be horrible. I sat there, stairing at the figurine on top of the Tv, but of course I could still hear what they were saying. I started to cry, a huge amount of tears were running down my face, but luckily (like I have said before) i do not sniff, or breathe in breathe out kinda of thing.) I just sat there. My neighbor, Kevin, His mom has always been another mom to me. She understands how drugs have affected and maybe infected my life. My dad was a huge drug dealer. No one would turn him in because he was "so high up there" on the drug world whatever. He would fly into Columbia, and then exit, with no problem. HE was one of THEE top sellers on the west coast. No wonder my mom didn't tell me that when I was little. My stupid ass older brother has said some messed up things to me lately, and then my boyfriend, the only one who is actually recovering, was a drug addict. Hm. quite counsidental... probably not in a good way. 

So, anyways, I just sit there, crying. When the movie was over I looked right, and whiped my eyes with my left sleeve, and vice a versa. Then everyone left, and of course Kevin's mom noticed, with out even looking at me. She must have known that i'd be upset. She did not tell her husband not to not watch it because I was there. She is not the paster, and they were learning about drugs, but they will never understand the "drug world". So Kevins mom took me outside once everyone had left. She has never seen me cry, so it was different. She just asked me how I get through everything. I guess I explained to her that no matter how badly i get hurt with things, I brush it off. If my brother, or Taylor do or say anything about drugs, not on purpose, I start to cry. Does not matter what they say. Taylor knows this, but my dumb butt brother does not. He does not care. Self deception. 

She listened to me, then started crying. I do not get along with most girls/teenage women very well. But of course she is not one of those. I guess it is the fact that I do not talk "...poorly" about people. Of course I vent... to myself, but its always about factuial things. If that makes any sense. And i guess talking to her was alot easier because it was more of an adult conversation. I'm better at that, I guess because... i don't really understand, but i'm not like teenage girls really, and i've had to take on a more adult role since I was 12. 

She asked more questions, about Taylor. He will be gone for another couple months. It does not bother me, or him. I can talk to him alot more now, so that helps. I told her about that and some other things about him. So it was nice to talk to a person that can relate to having drugs affect them, and talk to a women rather then a guy. I really do not have girlfriends. I have two older cousins, along with my sister who is 25. So does that count?

I drove home. 

Sunday

I woke up at around nine, after about 5 hours of sleep. Thats longer then most nights. That medication is not working at all. I'm surprised to be honest. I'm at my step dad's house now. Loads of fun. His brother and him are re-doing the kitchen. Nice and peaceful time for me....

They told me to go get star bucks. So I get there. I had the worst time getting parking. I run in there, because it is raining so hard.

computer failure.

not done at all. 

I write tooo much. 

high school... & the 3 C's

"In high school you are suppose to be having fun, not worrying about other peoples problems, those are theirs, and theirs alone"

-Anonymous drug addict.

Yes, no one can save or prevent someone from doing drugs. The three C's is what everyone has to come to understand.

You did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it.

I will never be able to understand this concept. I will never want to understand this concept.

I will never want to have fun in high school if I have loved ones slowly killing themselves. I will never just sit aside and watch them fall and destroy their life. They do not know their lives are are so amazing, especially to loved ones that can see their addiction increase by the day. And flexuate as times goes on.

My loved one, my brother, is an addict.

I was at his house two months ago, just two short months ago. I went to go to the bathroom and then went back into the room where he, his "lovely" girlfriend, and a couple of his buddies. When I walked into the room, i did not notice it then, but their eyes were open and they were looking at the kitchen.

I saw two dollar bills rolled up, on the table, along with his wallet and a credit card.

My brother was sitting in a cup shaped chair, playing some video. I looked down at his tube shaped dollar bills, his credit card on the table. I looked up at him and he looked at me.

"Um what were you doing, chopping up the china white, and using your dollar bills to inhale into your nose?" i said sarcastically.

I looked at his friends, straight at me. "Yeah," he said

I sat down on the couch, i'm pretty sure that my legs declapsed.

I then started talking to my cousin, as if nothing ever happend.

My head was spinning though. I felt like my organs were about to become a huge knot. I felt sick to my stomach, but I kept a conversation up with my cousins, and his friends friends eventually jumped in.

And his "annonymous" person that you hear outside, told me that little quote.

This will never happen. I will never obsess over his addiction, or it will bring me down mentally.

But i will never just sit on the couch and watch him kill himself.

i didn't cause it, i can't control it and i did not cause it

but i will not just watch him, destroy himself. I will never regret "not enjoying high school" so i can assist my hero, that does not have that spot in my life anymore, but i will not sit aside.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we trie

Red Satin Ribbon

Its an uncomfortable feeling not knowing what negativity the future might bestow on someone so pure, fragile, yet strong and insecure all at once. It is just as horrifying to look back and ponder the horrifying sequences of events that occurred in the past. He will come back okay.

In the past people often focus on the worst things, but never that positive ones. The best ones were the memories that made you smile, but were you really happy? Probably not. Most moments in my life weren't so great. Somehow still, I couldn't cry. I was emotionless. We had a beautiful yet horrifying past. How? I honestly wish I knew how it became that way.

This wasn't a normal roller coaster ride. I felt as though I was going to get derailed from the tracks. I tried to hold on. The seat belt wouldn't save me this time. I felt dead. You were getting to the point of death, slowly. I'm sorry it was so painful. It as hard for me too. I tried to help you. I was helpless to you. I still sat next to you on this horrible roller coaster ride, even though I was invisible to you.

I could see the real you, behind all the drugs that changed your prospective on just about everything in life. You were pure and good inside. That part of you was covered, by a box, you couldn't see out, but I could see in. I have always been able to see you, before you got sucked in my drugs and then locked in this box. But now you are stuck, you have always been stuck though, but this time I can see you are not able to get out of what the path you took. The path, the world of drugs.

I sat there still helpless on that roller coaster ride, closing my eyes wouldn't cause this realistic illusion to disappear.

Every girl would be granted a present at one point in her life. Inside every girls box would be a "toy soldier", their possible future groom. Girls would receive this present, whenever it was "their time." A deep green box with a light blue ribbon on top.

I have received a present, but somehowI couldn't open it, I could see the con tense inside. I was not able to open my present, like all the other girls were capable of doing. There was a red satin ribbon tied around mine, with a bow placed right on top. This ribbon was tied tight, to tight for anyone to open.

I still wanted to open this box. I closed my eyes to undo the ribbon. It still wouldn't budge, by a force. He was consumed and devoured by something much more powerful then a miracle could cure, or let alone, myself. I felt miserable, I could see you inside, but was not capable of doing anything. I do not understand what went wrong in your life. I always knew you would be my present, my box, but when did you go down this path to the drug world. I was invisible seeing it. I did not see it coming. Was I just in denial? Was I angry? Anger often stems from being hurt. Was I hurt by what you did in the past? Of course.

I recieved a box I can not open, Why?

Most girls could not see inside their boxes. My cousin received on on her 18Th birthday. It was a deep green packaging, with a light blue ribbon. You could not see inside. She was very very excited. I remember the whole family gathering around to see who he would be. Of course he was her solider, her potential groom. Her best guy friend.

But I still sat there in front of this box, puzzled. How can I see inside mine, but can not open it? The satin ribbon would not budge. Sitting there wasn't good enough. I tried everyday. I would even skip days so maybe, just maybe it would open by itself. I could see him, miserable inside that box, but I was of no use to him. He could not see me, but I could see him, most of the time.

He didn't need me to make him happy. He was already happy, in a very different way.
He didn't notice what pure, genuine happiness was. Just spurts of a joyful high, followed by a terrifying low. This soldier was still wrapped up in this delicately wrapped box, still sealed shut by that satin ribbon. This box, he was closed in, and I was closed off.

I still sat in front of this beautiful box. I tried to open it months later, still sitting. I closed my eyes and went to undo the ribbon once more. All of the sudden he disappeared inside. I could no longer see him anymore. With just one tug of the lid, he disappeared. I was terrified, lost and confused. I will never receive another box. I asked myself "What will I do?" He was the box I wanted to receive, but... what happen?

I was not fortunate enough, lucky pretty or good enough to get him back. I did not want another box. I was devastated, hurt, confused. I felt anger, fear, and a range of emotions that I could not even put into words.

i will never give up.

I still sat there and waited. He appeared months later. I was still sitting there, emotionally exhausted. He was my box, my present, trapped in that delicately wrapped box, sealed off from happiness by this red satin ribbon. I still sat there hoping my soldier would come out so I could finally help and love him, and make him feel happiness. Not the happiness that he was use to, spurts of joy, followed by a horrifying low. I would not give him that happiness, he would be my potential groom one day. However, that satin ribbon kept me from what I needed, and what I wanted from that day in 2006.

Even though I never left my spot in front of the box, this box had something more beautiful inside. He was the most amazing person I have ever met. I wanted to fight down whatever it was that kept him trapped inside, but I didn't understand what made him so happy to stay in there. It was a force, only a miracle could cure. A force I could not fight. It was not my battle. It was my box, my present.

I still waited, hopeful yet helpless. I would not leave my spot until I had a chance to get him out.
He was weak, so was I, but he was weaker inside. Still I could do nothing. It was not my battle. I still sat there. It has been months and months now. When it rained, so did my eyes. When it was sunny I got was burned. When it was cold I would shake. When it was foggy I could not see. Still I sat there, hopeful yet hopeless. I still sat there, still optimistic. I knew, somehow, inside this present would make me happy, he did before he was my present.

I knew once I found out he was finally put in a box, I was devastated. I wanted it to get delivered to me. Luckily it was.

I would cry until I flooded myself. I could not save myself. The box was still there, I could see it ribbon and all. I wanted to remove and destroy this satin ribbon, but I did not want him to disappear again. I would not be able to handle that. I should have left but i didn't. I couldn't. As long as the box was there I would patiently wait. If the box were to disappear technically so would I, my soul would die, but my body would still remain still sitting, still and numb.

He disappeared inside this box many, many times over the years. But if he really were to disappear for good, I wouldn't fight for him to stay. It wasn't my battle. I by then, was to weak to get up and walk away. I got to tired of him returning and disappearing so frequently. I closed my eyes, I tried to feel again, but I was still numb.

It were as if I was dead. I slept and slept so I wouldn't feel the pain. I opened my eyes. Even in sleep I was still hollow inside. When I awoke my eyes, he was gone. The box remained in the same position and everything.

He was.... gone. I never got to say good bye. He was gone, just like that. I began to love him, I always did.

I finally slept and slept some more, so I would not feel the pain that I have lost, what I have always wanted. My solider was gone, I repeat to myself everyday once I would wake up. It is a horrifying feeling. I felt like he would come back, but how would he come back? Would there be this Satin Ribbon that would hold him down, and keep him in the drug world? So many questions that I could not get answered. Did I want to know the answers to all my questions?

One day my mom walked in my room, and told me that Taylor, the continence in my box, was taken away to get help, rehab in Utah. I cried and cried. I flooded myself. The sun came out, but I did not get burned. When it was foggy outside I could see. When I was cold I would not shake. I know he is getting help. Now I can see that this is what he needs. He would disappear because he was ashamed? Possible, probably. Over the years, it was a pattern. Why did I sit there for so long? I know why, but no one will understand, only he does.

I grew thin, weak and helpless towards myself. But I felt strong and optimistic about him getting better.

When will I get my box back?

6-10 weeks, 6 weeks on the 9Th of feburary, 7 weeks on the 16Th, 8 weeks 23rd, 9 weeks 30Th. I do not want to think he will be coming back in march, but whatever it takes i will be waiting here.

I know there will be no satin ribbon. I know he will fight it off, but It is not my battle. Since he is out of this box though, I know he will fight to get better. He told me he would do it for me. There will be no Satin ribbon, it is not my battle. I know he has realized, before going in this box, that he did harm towards others, especially towards me. It has been six weeks. I have not heard from him, directly. I know he is getting better. I can just feel it.

At night we see the same moon and the stars in the sky. He is out of the box, basically fighting against himself, and trying to take the path that now, he wants. He wants to become sober. He finally wants this for himself.

When he is cured. I know I will get this box back. I hope there is a light blue ribbon with deep green packaging. I know it will be him though, he has always told me.

He will be better. He has written it in his letters. I know this is it. There will be no more red Satin ribbon.

I was in denial, then I was hurt and angry, frustrated, confused, helpless, hopeless, and a range of negative emotions that i could not contain. Only satin himself could have created a disease that has self deception as a symptom so now the victims deny they are infected, and will vilify those on the outside who see what is happening. I thought it was best to shut myself down. I have always had fear, that his life would end, and that would leave a permanent crack in my soul. but now all i have is hope, i know he will be better. I'm sitting and waiting. I know he will be better, he told me so. I know so. 6 months soon. He will be the Taylor that I have always known and loved, but there will not be that red satin ribbon, he told me so. He believes in himself now.