brother to sister

I would miss not having him in my life.

I would miss his funny phone calls

and his humor, the stories,

our talks, our walks,

watching movies with him,

dinners together and the transcendent

feeling between us that is LOVE.

I would miss all of it. I miss it now.

And there is sinks in: I don't have it now.

I have not had it whenever he has been on drugs.

He is absent, only his shell remains.

I have been terrified to lose him,

but i have lost him.

Today, at least, he is lost.

I have been terrorized by fear,

that he would die.

If he did it would leave,

a permanent crack in my soul.

I would never fully recover.

But I also know that if he were to die,

or if he stays high,

i would live on- with that crack.

I would grieve.

I would grieve, forever.

.