I don't have a name.

I went to my doctor yesterday, well my therapist yesterday and talked about the whole cannabis card thing. She oddly enough said that it is a good idea. Since I am a minor though I have to get it signed off by my parents, but I qualify for all three of the major "symptoms" bad word choice but yeah. I was shocked she said that. She is a 60 year old women that grew up in one of the richest parts of Colorado, the same place Taylor was born, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Odd I know. She said she was going to call my doctor, and another doctor that dispenses cannabis cards. I was shocked. She told me if i do not want to smoke, I can have edibles or even lollipops, I think it sounds gross but I mean I'm really tired of my muscle spasms, horrible anxiety and stuff like that. So I'm on the fence about it, but if it is (and it is) for medical reasons, I do not see what the problem is with it. I talked to my mom and she straight up said no, I'm not going to even bother asking my step dad. He'd scream at me, that's all he is good at. SO I have no idea if my doctors will do. I've looked up all my medications.

It makes no sense to me, So I take a lot of stimulants and I take so many that when I work out my heart pumps so much, but after a while I get really tired and frustrated. I got sent home from work this weekend because of my anxiety and depression. Somehow they both.."hit" me at the same time and I was freaking out, and people could see it on my face. My boss was freaked out and so were my co-workers. I'm thinking that doing life guarding is not the best job for me. I have to basically babysit a whole bunch of los gatos brats who don't listen and then I get in trouble for it. My friend works at Jamba Juice so I'm thinking that would be better for me. I'm tired of those stupid kids. Even the parents are ridiculous.

Kick boards aren't allowed in the pool. Well only the parents can use them in the lap lanes, but the (boys especially) grab them and make title waves or end up using them as light sabers and start hitting each other in the head. I took them away from some boys... around 14 years old. Their mom was a ways away from them and she looked at me while I was taking them away and got out of the pool to get them more. I had to go talk to her about it to. I was so mad, but I kept my cool. She started arguing, and basically told me that she is going to bring their kick boards and I told her that I would either get my manager or I'd take them away too, and I walked away from her, and being the at least 45ish year old women with a brain capacity of a 5 year old decides to argue with ME about the POOL RULES which I did not even come up with. .

Kids honestly start running around the pool deck and I yell at them from the high chair not to, and they look at me hear me... and then wave and keep running. Its UNBELIEVABLE. I will never raise my kids in Los Gatos. 

Random fact:

My step dad only calls me by my name when company is over, and he has no friends so that is really rare. I have a whistle that I respond to, like a B**8y98. If you know what I mean. My siblings are "trained" as well. I was brought up so strict with that whistle that when I use to hang out with friends outside I'd run inside and they wouldn't understand what had just happen or what I was doing. Then I'd come back outside and they would just be standing there, and I'd give them a look of "what.." and they'd just look at me weird when I told them "I don't have a name". 

denim kurtis

Is the biggest air head alive. At volleyball practice (since I am the manager for the varsity team I practice with them). He always tries to push my buttons like he is a first grader trying to get a girl to notice. It is really annoying. He always tries to sit next to me at games, and pretends to throw a ball at me, and just little weird stuff like that.

Two weeks ago he came up to me and hit me in the stomach, I would call it a punch.. well a really weak one. I was still livid. I was so mad and shocked I just stood there and then I went to go hit. After 15 minutes of being heated he came up to me and was pressing my buttons and making noises in my ear. I turned around and got in his face yelling at him to never touch me like that ever again. He stood back and kept making mean noises at me. Then I grabbed my purse and walked out. Koring then pulled me aside, and asked me what was wrong, I thought he was mad but he really wasn't, I told him something really personal about me getting punched in the stomach when someone would try and get their way and denim reminds me of that person and it scares me. Koring just stood there and he looked down and said how sorry he was. I tried to smile and said that it was a while ago, and grabbed my stuff and left. I was about to open my car when I noticed that I left my keys in the gym. I had to walk all the way back to the gym and Denim was sitting on the table where my keys were. He looked at me and I had never seen that expression on his face. He looked really upset, maybe Koring told him what I told him. I really do not know. So I grabbed my keys looked at him and walked out. 

I called Taylor crying and he kind of freaked out and asked me what happen. I told him and he was sooooo mad. 

Taylor told Denim to knock it off and Denim started talking a whole bunch of .... bologna (to put it in better terms). A thing that I worry about with Taylor, and also my older brother is that if someone messes with me, (like something extreme) they either fight them themselves, or they get someone else to do it. But with both my brother and Taylor, when they fight they either stop when they know someone is broken, or they aren't/can't move... and in rare occations if someone pulls them off. Taylor has been really good about not fighting, but my older brother (tim) on the other hand is not at all. I tell him absolutely nothing. Ew, no. 

my anxiety

It's up the wazoo. I'm taking medication for it, and my doctor keeps changing it. Changing my medications for it does and WILL NOT help me. He always says that it takes a while for medication to kick in, and like when it should be, about a couple weeks later, he switches me again. I have insomnia, a hard time wanting to eat, and really bad anxiety. My doctor said this way isn't necessarily the way to go but he said maybe I should get a cannabis card. I was really shocked. I do not think it is a good idea. I really wish that I didn't have anxiety. I got sent home yesterday from work because I felt so bad. My doctor knows that my muscles are always tense, because of my anxiety and I honestly get naucious from it.

I wish I didn't have it, or need to take stuff to fix it. I have to talk to my mom about it tonight. My step dad will say no, but I have to have a parent sign it off since I'm underage. I think that my mom might think about it, and might say that as long as my mom dispenses it to me. Its so weird. I'm just tired of taking medication for it, its making it worse then better.

gah.

 

my mom

Is one of the most, unique.. people I have ever met in my life. She buys the same closes that I wear, and even the same underwear that I do. Not even different colors, THE SAME ones.

She thinks she is really funny, and she tries to be like me. She doesn't understand sarcasm, so she obviously has no idea how to joke around really. She gets offended easily on top of it.

She decided to put cameras all over the outside of the house, and it's really freaky. She watches the tapes of the day on a monitor at the end of the day, and I guess she is really excited about this new "hobby" she has.

The across the street neighbor HATES flamingos and my mom. So what does my mom do? She buys at least 30 plastic flamingos. She did this last summer too, but she bought more be cause "they weren't as pink anymore because of the sun". I think its pretty funny. She has called the cops on my mom because she parked the car on the side walk separating the drive way and the street, if you know what i mean. and then the cops came and they almost gave her a ticket. but since my parents are technically still married, and my step dad is a cop she got off easy. 

she then yelled "No ticket SUSAN!" she hates when people call her that. She has more then 30 motor cycles, instead of adding on to her house, she added two other garages attached to hers so she could fit all of them. They all just sit there. There is even one "on display" in her house. She is such a weird lady. She hates dogs and made a pond in her back yard as well. 

She has a cat and she didn't even name it, WHO does that? Susan that's who.

life guarding.

This weekend I was at work, i didn't happen to mention that it was ALL weekend.

There was a group of kids that decided to hold their breath under water for some reason, and I freaked out.

There was a group of kids that were trying to figure out who was going to be it for Marco Polo. They were trying to decide using the horrible technique of 1 2 3 not it. they were saying 1 2 3 not it for my whole shift... 15 minutes. I thought maybe the game they were actually playing now was 123 not it, but whatever.

Kids kept going under the lap lanes where the old ladies and men in speedos (which should be against the law) were side by side bobbing up and down until they go to the deep  end and then would either doggy paddle or just turn around and head back and do that over and over. There were a group just right under me doing "stretches with their noodles". i have no idea what they were doing really. When it was time for me to rotate the guy behind me sat in the chair and I went to move to the next one, and I turned around and he was just staring at me and he called me over and got off the chair and asked me to sit. I didn't really want to because after the position I was about to be at, would be my break. He then told me that i'd still be like that but i'd just be sitting at the high chair then the low one. I asked him why and he told me the old ladies bathing suits were too revealing on top. and then he started to nod his head. Of course I caught on, he started going on a saga about how women shouldnt have saggy wrinkily boobs. I wasnt really listening to him.

The place I work at is really strict about rules. Kids can not have kick boards in the pool, and a group of dumb boys decided they were going to grab some and "surf" under water (basically stand on the kick board on the bottom of the pool and try and balance) the dumb part is, is that i've seen them every summer since i've been life guarding. They know better. Stupid boys.

So  I had to get off the high chair because they wouldn't listen to my whistle, which I never use, and they wouldnt listening to me yelling at them. So I walked over to them pissed, and held out my hand. I was afraid to go off on them. I was soooo irritated. They looked at me all innocent, and I told them they know better, and they all looked at each other smirking. They handed me their kick boards, and honestly 15 minutes later the grabbed more. 

There were girls across the pool that kept on hanging on each other and told them to stop hanging on each other and thier reply was "We're not hanging on each other, we're playing a game." I was dumb founded. I had no idea what to say. I just started laughing and looked away.

There were two chairs and one person sitting at each and a third person to rotate so we all would get a break at one point. A girl decided to take a 35 minute break. So I sat there for 35 minutes on the high chair, waiting, so it was like 3:50, and my break was suppose to start 5 minutes before, so now I only had 10 minutes.  Its not that big of a deal, but she does this to ME a lot.

There was this (watching my french) meanie head loser that decided to sit next to my boss instead of rotating. He sat there for 3 hours not doing one thing. I was just as mad as my boss because she always complains about him. He was directing me what to do, and I got off the chair and went behind him and put my hands on his shoulders and bent down to his head and told him not to tell me what to do. My boss just sat there. she knows how much of a .... loser he really is. He looked so confused. Stupid bleach blonde guy that lays out at work, water polo "funny man". 

Well this is not all that happen this weekend, but just the "good" parts.

coke, all the knowledge from my brian.

cocaine. One of the biggest street drugs out there. Usually taken through injection, or snorted through the nose. When you first start injecting coke, you are 75% more likely to get hooked faster. (I cant find a way to word that last sentence).  "The pot plant" is just a street name for the Cannibus plant. Usually people say that "If God didn't put it on earth, there is no reason not to use it" or whatever people usually say along those lines, but its not just an herb like people say. It has more then 400 chemicals. (it took me a week to learn how to pronounce it, its not hyphinatied that is just how you would say it out loud). But the main chemical that you get out of coke is alkaloid. 

People don't realize that when you use coke, you can't just stop. I mean technically you can but it's a huge struggle. All the chemicals from coke are stored in your fat of your body, and when you sweat it off you can instantly get that feeling of being on coke back, and this is one of the reasons people relapse.

The "high" from coke only lasts for about an hour. (kind of depending on how long you've been a user), but with meth it lasts for 12 hours. Meth is considered to be the "poor peoples crack.

One really common name for coke (street name) is flake and powder. One common one from meth is Tina, speed, and klur. 

Opiets (stimulants like heroin im pretty sure) are ususally "sprinkled" into marajuana, but ususally coke is. People have done coke when they think they're just smoking the "herb", without even knowing it. I've heard from people that they "had the best weed the other day" because it probably had other things added to it, like coke.  

Alot of people start using coke because it is one of the main drugs that causes you to loose weight really fast. It increases your heart rate (stimulant duhh) and you have little to no sleep for a couple days, and then the exact opposite for a day or two after. 

Coke is more of a sugar texture then meth and heroin is a rougher like salt texture.

One way to make more money when you're selling it is to add baking soda to add to the weight. People also add sugar or meth even. They usually chop it up (if they buy it in bricks) and split it in half, or whatever they want. To the other half they would add in whatever they wanted, and keep the pure coke for themselves, and that is kind of how they would make a lot more then they should be making.

this is all i have for today:)

wisdom teeth

Getting my wisdom teeth was the worst experience of my entire 17 years of life. My mom sang to me and I immediately woke up. It was so obnoxious. It was 6:30 in the morning and I had to be there at 7. Since i have horrible anxiety my lovely mother set it really early on monday morning, third day of spring break. 

I walked into the office and had to sit in this spinny chair so i could keep myself preoccupied. I failed miserably. I felt really light headed and I was probably whiter then Capser. They finally took me in the back room to be put on IV so I would stop having a panic attack.

this lady named Nicole took me to the back room and I was hoping she would shoot me or something so I wouldnt get my teeth yanked out of my head, but unfortunately she didn't. She told me to sit in the chair, so I followed orders. She sat on this little rolly chair and scooted towards me. She grabbed a tray that had all these tools that looked really scary so I closed my eyes and put my hands over them just incase I were to open them for any reason. She asked me to get my hands off my eyes so she could put the blood pressure monitor (you helped me with that word) and also to put this weird clampy thing on my finger. She also hooked up these circle things on my chest that had colorful wires connecting to this machine that sounded like a lawn mower. 

Then she hooked me up to this oxygen thing that wrapped around my head and my nose so I could breath, cause I guess i'm not capable of doing it for myself? She started talking to me about Justing timberlake and I wanted to stuff my sock in her mouth and see what'd she had to say about that. I kept my eyes closed and tried to tone out her stupid voice. She would ask me about school and about my life, and personal questions too. It was really awkward. Then she decided to ask me what medication I was taking. I told her that all of them I could not pronounce. She started laughing as if I was kidding or just plain stupid, I'm really not sure, i didn't ask. She looked at my chart and her eyes got big. She named off all of them. 

I just rolled my eyes.

All of the sudden I heard this noise that sounded like a dying video game, and my oxygen, blood pressure thing, the thing on my finger and the circles on my chest shut off. She looked at me and laughed as if I did it or something. I looked at her and just grinned, I didn't really know what to do. I was freaking out. She said it does this all the time, I was about to piss my pants right there and then. Finally Dr douche monkey walked in with a huge smile on his face. He had this white coat on trying to be all official. He had those weird shoe covers on his feet, and I tried to procrastinate and asked if I could get a pair. He started laughing, as if I was trying to crack a joke. 

he came back and put them over my vans and oddly enough I got really excited. Then he told me about what he was going to do, and I got kind of angry and just said I know he was going to rip out my teeth and I was ready to roll. He laughed, again. He grabbed the IV and put it in my arm. I got all foggy minded and passed out after a minute to nicole talking yet again about Justin. Thank god for the IV.

After the procedure was done, I would not wake up for like and hour. My mom was freaking out apparently, they were going to take me to the hospital but then I woke up. I started talking about weird things and my mom was taking pictures of me which she has as her screen saver on just about everything that has the option to have screen savers. Lovely I know.

I went home and my mom made me a vanilla or chocolate milk shake every hour.

she got me in her bed, because it has a TV in it, and I started watching the hills. She tried to take off my shoe covers and my shoes and I almost kicked her. She gave me a vikodin and I passed out and slept until like 5. I woke up to my shoes off. I was upset but whatever.

April 20th, and May

Taylor is doing really well staying sober. I've researched allot about recovering drug addicts that come out of the wilderness. Apparently 85% of recovering drug addicts out of treatment relapse 1-4 times. Taylor relapsed twice. He smoked weed (took two hits). I am very proud of him, he learned from it. I do not like that he did it, but I'd rather him relapse earlier then later. Well I'd rather him not relapse at all but I figured he was going to. 

His big things before going to rehab the first time for a month (July 12- Aug 12) was shooting up coke. He has not shot up coke in almost a year. He has he has no temptations to do anything drug related, or drinking. I'm really proud of him, so are my parents. They both love him to death, especially my step dad. They were really disappointed, and so was I.

His mom is a morphine addict, and that triggers Taylor all the time. He hates living there, but all his relatives live in Colorado (where he is from) and he does not wand to move back there. His mom talks down to him all the time for being a drug addict and that is when he got fed up and relapsed. He told me smoking was the worst way to handle it, and luckily he learned from it. (this time I'm talking about was the second time) His mom is blaming his relapses on me, so I can see him or talk to him for two weeks (one more week to go).  He has an Itouch though, which has Internet, and his mom knows this. So we email a lot throughout the day. 

My step dad had a "meeting" with Lauri (Tay's mom) and basically told her off and telling her that I'm one of the biggest supporters in his life, along with Taylor's dad and my family. She was mad about it and has not talked to our family since then, about a month ago. So apparently his relapses are all my fault according to his mom, when in fact Taylor has admitted that his mom triggers him not anyone else. Just one more week, it won't be that hard considering I had no communication or visiting privileges for over 3 months. 

4/20 is duh, the "day to smoke pot". It was his first 4/20 sober, and he was really excited about it. So was my family. My step dad knows what 4:20 is but not my mom. He said that temptations for doing weed is hard, but luckily he still and has not had temptations to do any drugs, period. Well besides weed. I don't like the fact that he gets tempted to do weed, but its better then the drugs he was hooked on, and is not anymore. I finally started to understand what temptations are with drug addicts. Its apparently like when you're allergic to something but really like it, like peanuts and seeing them or smelling them makes you want them and it takes alto to not have them. Well a better example is probably smokers but you catch my drift. 

All and all I'm surprised he's doing so well, its only going to get easier from here. according to like over 20 websites that is. they say the first 3 months are the worst, i've seen documentaries on a lot of famous people and their drug addiction, and they all say the first three months suck (he was in wilderness for that long) but after that it gets easier. It gets easier if the addict wants to stay clean, and Taylor wants to. So viva sobriety.

vista and church of synanon

I was so shocked to see him. my mom even started crying. We finally got out of the air port and we had to walk around the parking lot in the dark to find the car. The light went off and a loud beeping sound made us all turn our heads. We got all of his and my steps dad's in the bed of the truck and hoped in the car. I put on the seat warmers, it was so cold. We all began talking about the place that he was at called Vista. 

He told us a story. He began with how he ran away. He had to memorize approxmite times certain people were in certain places of the phacility. He said he finally got them down the night he ran away. He said he went down the hall, past the large rooms where the therapists and mentors hang out, and once he passed that he had to pass their rooms to get to the kitchen. Once he was there he had to wait about 15 minutes until the mentors would pass the kitchen door to go into the dining hall to eat and watch movie or just talk. He grabbed a couple knives and went back to his room. There are bars outside the windows, but you can not notice it on the inside (like some bathroom windows have little plastic pieces so no one can see in, I can't explain it). So they can not sneak out. Every parent that comes, of course, does not notice it.

He begins to get a little off track and tells us that he had  to tell the parents good things about the place, and that it has saved his life. He also apparently had to lie about how long he has been there so it looks like he has been doing well or whatever their motive was. He said he felt sick doing it because then another kid will have to go through all the horrifying things that he has gone through so far. 

He attempts to back track but tells us how he was on "lockdown" where he had to wear a orange suit and was not allowed to wear his own clothes. The therapist was talking to him about breaking off every relationship he had with people of his past, including me, and apparently that is why he left, along with the synanon association.

He finally gets back on track and begins to talk about how he got out. He somehow (didn't say how) screwed off a couple bars and slid his way out. He has very broad shoulders so I do not know how he got out. Once he got the bars undone he said he grabbed a tshirt that he found and put it on. He didn't even have shoes, he just left. He said he ran for about 10 straight miles (we looked online to see how long he went from Vista). He had to go through some really bad towns in the middle of no where. He told me he had to pass a whole bunch of homeless drunk people. They asked him if he wanted some water, or vodka I don't remember and he took some. He took one sip and started crying. He told me that he learned the most important thing of his life. He saw people that were doing drugs and being homeless because of it. He told me he doesn't want that for himself.

We asked him how he ran from the cops, there were a hole bunch of crews looking for him. He is apparently the first person in over five years that has successfully ran away from this place. He started telling us that if someone runs away they send them off somewhere else, or make their life a living hell for the rest of the time while they are there. He told us that he'd have to hold kids by their arms, and someone else would hold the kids legs and swing them back and forth, like a pengilum while the person swinging would have to start crying. He didn't look like he wanted to go in anymore detail so we didn't talk about it anymore.

He began to tell my parents about how he has the tools, and for the first time wants to use them to stay sober for HIMSELF. My step dad started tearing up, i saw in the rear view mirror. He began to tell us plans on what he wants to accomplish within the year. And as of now he is getting close to taking the first step, his GED. 

Once we got home my step dad sat on the couch and my mom went into the kitchen and sat at the bar area. I sat down and then saw Taylor running up the stairs to see my little brothers. I hear them screaming and laughing. I go and run up there, and yet again the big fluffy teddy bear is tearing up. My brothers asked if his arm was okay (we told them he was in the hospital because he broke his arm) He laughed and looked at me. I tried not to grin, and he looked back at them and said he missed them. We went down stairs and then had to take Taylor home.