Please hear what I'm not saying.

I do not know how exactly I would relate to this poem because Taylor (if you remember from my millions of blogs from last year) actually sent this to me, so when I read it I thought about how it relates to him, and not as much myself.
The only one I can really relate to is "Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness, but i hide this." Taylor yet again is in rehab and will be gone for a very long time. So with this I feel very alone and confused and I'm scared for him, his life and his recovery. And even more so how he will react/behave once he comes out (sometime next year). I have talked to him everyday since the first day of freshmen year, so not talking to him is honestly very horrifying. I've been told I cut myself off from talking to others because I did not trust anyone from him, and this is very true. I can talk about my experiences, but how I feel is a lot harder. So I guess as of right now that is the only quote that I can relate to.

I think it was more of an ice breaker, everyone was looking around the room more then likely to see each others facial expressions, which obviously reflects how they are feeling.... most of the time. I think in a lot of ways people can relate to this poem weather its just one sentence, or somewhere in between most of it and all of it.

Like I said earlier, since I was read this poem by Taylor, I do not necessarily focus this poem on myself, and rather him. But the ones that stuck out to me, well the ones he emphasized were.

"I need no one, but please don't believe me. Please"
He said this to me right when he came out of rehab the second time (march 31st) and right then and there I knew he needed more time to get help for his addiction. But when he said don't believe me he meant more of "I need help but I won't admit it to anyone because I can do it on my own" and the part where it said I need no one, he was referring obviously to he needed no one to help him, but he was justifying the situation but at the same time he knew he did need help.

I did not admit a lot of things to many people about my health, and why I do stupid things sometimes, but I do not lie about what I have been through.
"But I do not tell you this. I do not dare. I am afraid to. I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good, and that you will see this and reject me"
When he read me this I was very shocked. I found out that he had been using drugs in June of 2008, so I went without even knowing he did drugs for about 2 years. He told me that exact quote to express why he never told me. Everyone else knew but me, so that is significant to me as well. It also describes me because my parents did not notice I was abusing my medication, and they still do not know I DID (past tense). I was to afraid to tell them my problem, and it took me years to get over it, and I did it on my own. Since taylor has an ego the size of the world, he thought he would do it too, but he did not realize he had an addiction to more then just opiates.

I don't have a name.

I went to my doctor yesterday, well my therapist yesterday and talked about the whole cannabis card thing. She oddly enough said that it is a good idea. Since I am a minor though I have to get it signed off by my parents, but I qualify for all three of the major "symptoms" bad word choice but yeah. I was shocked she said that. She is a 60 year old women that grew up in one of the richest parts of Colorado, the same place Taylor was born, Colorado Springs, Colorado. Odd I know. She said she was going to call my doctor, and another doctor that dispenses cannabis cards. I was shocked. She told me if i do not want to smoke, I can have edibles or even lollipops, I think it sounds gross but I mean I'm really tired of my muscle spasms, horrible anxiety and stuff like that. So I'm on the fence about it, but if it is (and it is) for medical reasons, I do not see what the problem is with it. I talked to my mom and she straight up said no, I'm not going to even bother asking my step dad. He'd scream at me, that's all he is good at. SO I have no idea if my doctors will do. I've looked up all my medications.

It makes no sense to me, So I take a lot of stimulants and I take so many that when I work out my heart pumps so much, but after a while I get really tired and frustrated. I got sent home from work this weekend because of my anxiety and depression. Somehow they both.."hit" me at the same time and I was freaking out, and people could see it on my face. My boss was freaked out and so were my co-workers. I'm thinking that doing life guarding is not the best job for me. I have to basically babysit a whole bunch of los gatos brats who don't listen and then I get in trouble for it. My friend works at Jamba Juice so I'm thinking that would be better for me. I'm tired of those stupid kids. Even the parents are ridiculous.

Kick boards aren't allowed in the pool. Well only the parents can use them in the lap lanes, but the (boys especially) grab them and make title waves or end up using them as light sabers and start hitting each other in the head. I took them away from some boys... around 14 years old. Their mom was a ways away from them and she looked at me while I was taking them away and got out of the pool to get them more. I had to go talk to her about it to. I was so mad, but I kept my cool. She started arguing, and basically told me that she is going to bring their kick boards and I told her that I would either get my manager or I'd take them away too, and I walked away from her, and being the at least 45ish year old women with a brain capacity of a 5 year old decides to argue with ME about the POOL RULES which I did not even come up with. .

Kids honestly start running around the pool deck and I yell at them from the high chair not to, and they look at me hear me... and then wave and keep running. Its UNBELIEVABLE. I will never raise my kids in Los Gatos. 

Random fact:

My step dad only calls me by my name when company is over, and he has no friends so that is really rare. I have a whistle that I respond to, like a B**8y98. If you know what I mean. My siblings are "trained" as well. I was brought up so strict with that whistle that when I use to hang out with friends outside I'd run inside and they wouldn't understand what had just happen or what I was doing. Then I'd come back outside and they would just be standing there, and I'd give them a look of "what.." and they'd just look at me weird when I told them "I don't have a name". 

denim kurtis

Is the biggest air head alive. At volleyball practice (since I am the manager for the varsity team I practice with them). He always tries to push my buttons like he is a first grader trying to get a girl to notice. It is really annoying. He always tries to sit next to me at games, and pretends to throw a ball at me, and just little weird stuff like that.

Two weeks ago he came up to me and hit me in the stomach, I would call it a punch.. well a really weak one. I was still livid. I was so mad and shocked I just stood there and then I went to go hit. After 15 minutes of being heated he came up to me and was pressing my buttons and making noises in my ear. I turned around and got in his face yelling at him to never touch me like that ever again. He stood back and kept making mean noises at me. Then I grabbed my purse and walked out. Koring then pulled me aside, and asked me what was wrong, I thought he was mad but he really wasn't, I told him something really personal about me getting punched in the stomach when someone would try and get their way and denim reminds me of that person and it scares me. Koring just stood there and he looked down and said how sorry he was. I tried to smile and said that it was a while ago, and grabbed my stuff and left. I was about to open my car when I noticed that I left my keys in the gym. I had to walk all the way back to the gym and Denim was sitting on the table where my keys were. He looked at me and I had never seen that expression on his face. He looked really upset, maybe Koring told him what I told him. I really do not know. So I grabbed my keys looked at him and walked out. 

I called Taylor crying and he kind of freaked out and asked me what happen. I told him and he was sooooo mad. 

Taylor told Denim to knock it off and Denim started talking a whole bunch of .... bologna (to put it in better terms). A thing that I worry about with Taylor, and also my older brother is that if someone messes with me, (like something extreme) they either fight them themselves, or they get someone else to do it. But with both my brother and Taylor, when they fight they either stop when they know someone is broken, or they aren't/can't move... and in rare occations if someone pulls them off. Taylor has been really good about not fighting, but my older brother (tim) on the other hand is not at all. I tell him absolutely nothing. Ew, no. 

my anxiety

It's up the wazoo. I'm taking medication for it, and my doctor keeps changing it. Changing my medications for it does and WILL NOT help me. He always says that it takes a while for medication to kick in, and like when it should be, about a couple weeks later, he switches me again. I have insomnia, a hard time wanting to eat, and really bad anxiety. My doctor said this way isn't necessarily the way to go but he said maybe I should get a cannabis card. I was really shocked. I do not think it is a good idea. I really wish that I didn't have anxiety. I got sent home yesterday from work because I felt so bad. My doctor knows that my muscles are always tense, because of my anxiety and I honestly get naucious from it.

I wish I didn't have it, or need to take stuff to fix it. I have to talk to my mom about it tonight. My step dad will say no, but I have to have a parent sign it off since I'm underage. I think that my mom might think about it, and might say that as long as my mom dispenses it to me. Its so weird. I'm just tired of taking medication for it, its making it worse then better.

gah.

 

my mom

Is one of the most, unique.. people I have ever met in my life. She buys the same closes that I wear, and even the same underwear that I do. Not even different colors, THE SAME ones.

She thinks she is really funny, and she tries to be like me. She doesn't understand sarcasm, so she obviously has no idea how to joke around really. She gets offended easily on top of it.

She decided to put cameras all over the outside of the house, and it's really freaky. She watches the tapes of the day on a monitor at the end of the day, and I guess she is really excited about this new "hobby" she has.

The across the street neighbor HATES flamingos and my mom. So what does my mom do? She buys at least 30 plastic flamingos. She did this last summer too, but she bought more be cause "they weren't as pink anymore because of the sun". I think its pretty funny. She has called the cops on my mom because she parked the car on the side walk separating the drive way and the street, if you know what i mean. and then the cops came and they almost gave her a ticket. but since my parents are technically still married, and my step dad is a cop she got off easy. 

she then yelled "No ticket SUSAN!" she hates when people call her that. She has more then 30 motor cycles, instead of adding on to her house, she added two other garages attached to hers so she could fit all of them. They all just sit there. There is even one "on display" in her house. She is such a weird lady. She hates dogs and made a pond in her back yard as well. 

She has a cat and she didn't even name it, WHO does that? Susan that's who.

life guarding.

This weekend I was at work, i didn't happen to mention that it was ALL weekend.

There was a group of kids that decided to hold their breath under water for some reason, and I freaked out.

There was a group of kids that were trying to figure out who was going to be it for Marco Polo. They were trying to decide using the horrible technique of 1 2 3 not it. they were saying 1 2 3 not it for my whole shift... 15 minutes. I thought maybe the game they were actually playing now was 123 not it, but whatever.

Kids kept going under the lap lanes where the old ladies and men in speedos (which should be against the law) were side by side bobbing up and down until they go to the deep  end and then would either doggy paddle or just turn around and head back and do that over and over. There were a group just right under me doing "stretches with their noodles". i have no idea what they were doing really. When it was time for me to rotate the guy behind me sat in the chair and I went to move to the next one, and I turned around and he was just staring at me and he called me over and got off the chair and asked me to sit. I didn't really want to because after the position I was about to be at, would be my break. He then told me that i'd still be like that but i'd just be sitting at the high chair then the low one. I asked him why and he told me the old ladies bathing suits were too revealing on top. and then he started to nod his head. Of course I caught on, he started going on a saga about how women shouldnt have saggy wrinkily boobs. I wasnt really listening to him.

The place I work at is really strict about rules. Kids can not have kick boards in the pool, and a group of dumb boys decided they were going to grab some and "surf" under water (basically stand on the kick board on the bottom of the pool and try and balance) the dumb part is, is that i've seen them every summer since i've been life guarding. They know better. Stupid boys.

So  I had to get off the high chair because they wouldn't listen to my whistle, which I never use, and they wouldnt listening to me yelling at them. So I walked over to them pissed, and held out my hand. I was afraid to go off on them. I was soooo irritated. They looked at me all innocent, and I told them they know better, and they all looked at each other smirking. They handed me their kick boards, and honestly 15 minutes later the grabbed more. 

There were girls across the pool that kept on hanging on each other and told them to stop hanging on each other and thier reply was "We're not hanging on each other, we're playing a game." I was dumb founded. I had no idea what to say. I just started laughing and looked away.

There were two chairs and one person sitting at each and a third person to rotate so we all would get a break at one point. A girl decided to take a 35 minute break. So I sat there for 35 minutes on the high chair, waiting, so it was like 3:50, and my break was suppose to start 5 minutes before, so now I only had 10 minutes.  Its not that big of a deal, but she does this to ME a lot.

There was this (watching my french) meanie head loser that decided to sit next to my boss instead of rotating. He sat there for 3 hours not doing one thing. I was just as mad as my boss because she always complains about him. He was directing me what to do, and I got off the chair and went behind him and put my hands on his shoulders and bent down to his head and told him not to tell me what to do. My boss just sat there. she knows how much of a .... loser he really is. He looked so confused. Stupid bleach blonde guy that lays out at work, water polo "funny man". 

Well this is not all that happen this weekend, but just the "good" parts.

coke, all the knowledge from my brian.

cocaine. One of the biggest street drugs out there. Usually taken through injection, or snorted through the nose. When you first start injecting coke, you are 75% more likely to get hooked faster. (I cant find a way to word that last sentence).  "The pot plant" is just a street name for the Cannibus plant. Usually people say that "If God didn't put it on earth, there is no reason not to use it" or whatever people usually say along those lines, but its not just an herb like people say. It has more then 400 chemicals. (it took me a week to learn how to pronounce it, its not hyphinatied that is just how you would say it out loud). But the main chemical that you get out of coke is alkaloid. 

People don't realize that when you use coke, you can't just stop. I mean technically you can but it's a huge struggle. All the chemicals from coke are stored in your fat of your body, and when you sweat it off you can instantly get that feeling of being on coke back, and this is one of the reasons people relapse.

The "high" from coke only lasts for about an hour. (kind of depending on how long you've been a user), but with meth it lasts for 12 hours. Meth is considered to be the "poor peoples crack.

One really common name for coke (street name) is flake and powder. One common one from meth is Tina, speed, and klur. 

Opiets (stimulants like heroin im pretty sure) are ususally "sprinkled" into marajuana, but ususally coke is. People have done coke when they think they're just smoking the "herb", without even knowing it. I've heard from people that they "had the best weed the other day" because it probably had other things added to it, like coke.  

Alot of people start using coke because it is one of the main drugs that causes you to loose weight really fast. It increases your heart rate (stimulant duhh) and you have little to no sleep for a couple days, and then the exact opposite for a day or two after. 

Coke is more of a sugar texture then meth and heroin is a rougher like salt texture.

One way to make more money when you're selling it is to add baking soda to add to the weight. People also add sugar or meth even. They usually chop it up (if they buy it in bricks) and split it in half, or whatever they want. To the other half they would add in whatever they wanted, and keep the pure coke for themselves, and that is kind of how they would make a lot more then they should be making.

this is all i have for today:)