long weekend 14th-17th

friday, 

my mom pulled me out early. Then my step dad called suligan, and asked him to take me out of school at a COMPLETELY different time. Not to conveinant on my part, but i guess I  have to put up with it for a while. So I got in the car and drove home, hitting every red light. I am actually a good driver; meaning I do not speed etc. I got to my mom's house, and my step dad called to ask where I, i had to play the part of the owls in Harry Potter to get all the times and schedules straight between the both of them. Great fun huh? My mom drove me and my wonderfully obnoxious triplet siblings to the dentists office. I hate getting my teeth cleaned. I hate the scratchy sound, inside my mouth. It is not that pleasent. I got in the building and there was a women about to bring all of us back to her, as she called it, "station". I honestly had no idea what was going on. My mom usually cleans all our teeth (she is a dental hygenest). He lady had really curly hair. She had hair like shirley Temple, but hers was a deep brown. She had blue contacts on, which was even more creepy. She told me that I was getting head gear, and invisaline. Whoa? So I'll be done with allll the "fases of this amazing process" according to her, until the end of my senior year. Plesaent. 

Saturday

I have not been able to sleep, at all. I have noticed that I always wake up at three. I realized over time that I looked at a text message Taylor sent me, three hours before he was taken away, and I rembered I read it around that time, 3:00 -ish.  So I went to my physicatrist, and my mom told him how I only sleep between 3-4 hours each night. I have noticed that, that is all I do get. My mom has tried a little more, to make up for her not being there for my 504 meeting. I honestly have no idea. I have been at her house lately, because my step dad has been having alot of stress at work. So me and my siblings were shipped to her house over the weekend, and through out the week. I like staying with my mom, more then my step dad. My mom notices my patterns of sleep. She is very concerned. Dr. Grossi took me off of 2 Klonipin (1 pill of xanix along with even a small amount of alchol will totally mess with you. My klonipin is twice to three times as strong, depends (of course) on the size of the person, and their tollerance/how long they have been doing drugs..) So technically me taking 2 of K, does not make me sleep. My doctor is completely surprised. He gave me this completely strong pill, Tr- something. I don't remember how it is spelt. It does not work either. He told me if it does not work the first night, then maybe the second night. If that doesn't work, he even said that it will be a huge problem. He said I can not... not sleep with how strong my medication is. So I've been doing that.

night time:

I go over to my down the street neighbors house for "young life meeting". I will be honest, I do not beieve in a higher power of any kind. I could go on forever on facts, along with my opinions not to believe in a higher power. My mom thinks it is unhealthy, so she told me to "try it out" So I drive there, just for the heck of it. Its probably like six houses down, the opposite way, down my street. I really like my neighbor, he goes here, and he is a senior. We use to finger paint where we were little. And then we "seperated". That awkward stage of "guys and girls" whatever thing. But now we are close.

I remember going a while back, last year. So I knew alot of the people, and I have for sure kept in touch with this one girl that goes to ST. She is a sweet heart. We all went in the front room to watch a video. On what? drugs. I knew it was going to be horrible. I sat there, stairing at the figurine on top of the Tv, but of course I could still hear what they were saying. I started to cry, a huge amount of tears were running down my face, but luckily (like I have said before) i do not sniff, or breathe in breathe out kinda of thing.) I just sat there. My neighbor, Kevin, His mom has always been another mom to me. She understands how drugs have affected and maybe infected my life. My dad was a huge drug dealer. No one would turn him in because he was "so high up there" on the drug world whatever. He would fly into Columbia, and then exit, with no problem. HE was one of THEE top sellers on the west coast. No wonder my mom didn't tell me that when I was little. My stupid ass older brother has said some messed up things to me lately, and then my boyfriend, the only one who is actually recovering, was a drug addict. Hm. quite counsidental... probably not in a good way. 

So, anyways, I just sit there, crying. When the movie was over I looked right, and whiped my eyes with my left sleeve, and vice a versa. Then everyone left, and of course Kevin's mom noticed, with out even looking at me. She must have known that i'd be upset. She did not tell her husband not to not watch it because I was there. She is not the paster, and they were learning about drugs, but they will never understand the "drug world". So Kevins mom took me outside once everyone had left. She has never seen me cry, so it was different. She just asked me how I get through everything. I guess I explained to her that no matter how badly i get hurt with things, I brush it off. If my brother, or Taylor do or say anything about drugs, not on purpose, I start to cry. Does not matter what they say. Taylor knows this, but my dumb butt brother does not. He does not care. Self deception. 

She listened to me, then started crying. I do not get along with most girls/teenage women very well. But of course she is not one of those. I guess it is the fact that I do not talk "...poorly" about people. Of course I vent... to myself, but its always about factuial things. If that makes any sense. And i guess talking to her was alot easier because it was more of an adult conversation. I'm better at that, I guess because... i don't really understand, but i'm not like teenage girls really, and i've had to take on a more adult role since I was 12. 

She asked more questions, about Taylor. He will be gone for another couple months. It does not bother me, or him. I can talk to him alot more now, so that helps. I told her about that and some other things about him. So it was nice to talk to a person that can relate to having drugs affect them, and talk to a women rather then a guy. I really do not have girlfriends. I have two older cousins, along with my sister who is 25. So does that count?

I drove home. 

Sunday

I woke up at around nine, after about 5 hours of sleep. Thats longer then most nights. That medication is not working at all. I'm surprised to be honest. I'm at my step dad's house now. Loads of fun. His brother and him are re-doing the kitchen. Nice and peaceful time for me....

They told me to go get star bucks. So I get there. I had the worst time getting parking. I run in there, because it is raining so hard.

computer failure.

not done at all. 

I write tooo much. 

high school... & the 3 C's

"In high school you are suppose to be having fun, not worrying about other peoples problems, those are theirs, and theirs alone"

-Anonymous drug addict.

Yes, no one can save or prevent someone from doing drugs. The three C's is what everyone has to come to understand.

You did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it.

I will never be able to understand this concept. I will never want to understand this concept.

I will never want to have fun in high school if I have loved ones slowly killing themselves. I will never just sit aside and watch them fall and destroy their life. They do not know their lives are are so amazing, especially to loved ones that can see their addiction increase by the day. And flexuate as times goes on.

My loved one, my brother, is an addict.

I was at his house two months ago, just two short months ago. I went to go to the bathroom and then went back into the room where he, his "lovely" girlfriend, and a couple of his buddies. When I walked into the room, i did not notice it then, but their eyes were open and they were looking at the kitchen.

I saw two dollar bills rolled up, on the table, along with his wallet and a credit card.

My brother was sitting in a cup shaped chair, playing some video. I looked down at his tube shaped dollar bills, his credit card on the table. I looked up at him and he looked at me.

"Um what were you doing, chopping up the china white, and using your dollar bills to inhale into your nose?" i said sarcastically.

I looked at his friends, straight at me. "Yeah," he said

I sat down on the couch, i'm pretty sure that my legs declapsed.

I then started talking to my cousin, as if nothing ever happend.

My head was spinning though. I felt like my organs were about to become a huge knot. I felt sick to my stomach, but I kept a conversation up with my cousins, and his friends friends eventually jumped in.

And his "annonymous" person that you hear outside, told me that little quote.

This will never happen. I will never obsess over his addiction, or it will bring me down mentally.

But i will never just sit on the couch and watch him kill himself.

i didn't cause it, i can't control it and i did not cause it

but i will not just watch him, destroy himself. I will never regret "not enjoying high school" so i can assist my hero, that does not have that spot in my life anymore, but i will not sit aside.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we trie

Red Satin Ribbon

Its an uncomfortable feeling not knowing what negativity the future might bestow on someone so pure, fragile, yet strong and insecure all at once. It is just as horrifying to look back and ponder the horrifying sequences of events that occurred in the past. He will come back okay.

In the past people often focus on the worst things, but never that positive ones. The best ones were the memories that made you smile, but were you really happy? Probably not. Most moments in my life weren't so great. Somehow still, I couldn't cry. I was emotionless. We had a beautiful yet horrifying past. How? I honestly wish I knew how it became that way.

This wasn't a normal roller coaster ride. I felt as though I was going to get derailed from the tracks. I tried to hold on. The seat belt wouldn't save me this time. I felt dead. You were getting to the point of death, slowly. I'm sorry it was so painful. It as hard for me too. I tried to help you. I was helpless to you. I still sat next to you on this horrible roller coaster ride, even though I was invisible to you.

I could see the real you, behind all the drugs that changed your prospective on just about everything in life. You were pure and good inside. That part of you was covered, by a box, you couldn't see out, but I could see in. I have always been able to see you, before you got sucked in my drugs and then locked in this box. But now you are stuck, you have always been stuck though, but this time I can see you are not able to get out of what the path you took. The path, the world of drugs.

I sat there still helpless on that roller coaster ride, closing my eyes wouldn't cause this realistic illusion to disappear.

Every girl would be granted a present at one point in her life. Inside every girls box would be a "toy soldier", their possible future groom. Girls would receive this present, whenever it was "their time." A deep green box with a light blue ribbon on top.

I have received a present, but somehowI couldn't open it, I could see the con tense inside. I was not able to open my present, like all the other girls were capable of doing. There was a red satin ribbon tied around mine, with a bow placed right on top. This ribbon was tied tight, to tight for anyone to open.

I still wanted to open this box. I closed my eyes to undo the ribbon. It still wouldn't budge, by a force. He was consumed and devoured by something much more powerful then a miracle could cure, or let alone, myself. I felt miserable, I could see you inside, but was not capable of doing anything. I do not understand what went wrong in your life. I always knew you would be my present, my box, but when did you go down this path to the drug world. I was invisible seeing it. I did not see it coming. Was I just in denial? Was I angry? Anger often stems from being hurt. Was I hurt by what you did in the past? Of course.

I recieved a box I can not open, Why?

Most girls could not see inside their boxes. My cousin received on on her 18Th birthday. It was a deep green packaging, with a light blue ribbon. You could not see inside. She was very very excited. I remember the whole family gathering around to see who he would be. Of course he was her solider, her potential groom. Her best guy friend.

But I still sat there in front of this box, puzzled. How can I see inside mine, but can not open it? The satin ribbon would not budge. Sitting there wasn't good enough. I tried everyday. I would even skip days so maybe, just maybe it would open by itself. I could see him, miserable inside that box, but I was of no use to him. He could not see me, but I could see him, most of the time.

He didn't need me to make him happy. He was already happy, in a very different way.
He didn't notice what pure, genuine happiness was. Just spurts of a joyful high, followed by a terrifying low. This soldier was still wrapped up in this delicately wrapped box, still sealed shut by that satin ribbon. This box, he was closed in, and I was closed off.

I still sat in front of this beautiful box. I tried to open it months later, still sitting. I closed my eyes and went to undo the ribbon once more. All of the sudden he disappeared inside. I could no longer see him anymore. With just one tug of the lid, he disappeared. I was terrified, lost and confused. I will never receive another box. I asked myself "What will I do?" He was the box I wanted to receive, but... what happen?

I was not fortunate enough, lucky pretty or good enough to get him back. I did not want another box. I was devastated, hurt, confused. I felt anger, fear, and a range of emotions that I could not even put into words.

i will never give up.

I still sat there and waited. He appeared months later. I was still sitting there, emotionally exhausted. He was my box, my present, trapped in that delicately wrapped box, sealed off from happiness by this red satin ribbon. I still sat there hoping my soldier would come out so I could finally help and love him, and make him feel happiness. Not the happiness that he was use to, spurts of joy, followed by a horrifying low. I would not give him that happiness, he would be my potential groom one day. However, that satin ribbon kept me from what I needed, and what I wanted from that day in 2006.

Even though I never left my spot in front of the box, this box had something more beautiful inside. He was the most amazing person I have ever met. I wanted to fight down whatever it was that kept him trapped inside, but I didn't understand what made him so happy to stay in there. It was a force, only a miracle could cure. A force I could not fight. It was not my battle. It was my box, my present.

I still waited, hopeful yet helpless. I would not leave my spot until I had a chance to get him out.
He was weak, so was I, but he was weaker inside. Still I could do nothing. It was not my battle. I still sat there. It has been months and months now. When it rained, so did my eyes. When it was sunny I got was burned. When it was cold I would shake. When it was foggy I could not see. Still I sat there, hopeful yet hopeless. I still sat there, still optimistic. I knew, somehow, inside this present would make me happy, he did before he was my present.

I knew once I found out he was finally put in a box, I was devastated. I wanted it to get delivered to me. Luckily it was.

I would cry until I flooded myself. I could not save myself. The box was still there, I could see it ribbon and all. I wanted to remove and destroy this satin ribbon, but I did not want him to disappear again. I would not be able to handle that. I should have left but i didn't. I couldn't. As long as the box was there I would patiently wait. If the box were to disappear technically so would I, my soul would die, but my body would still remain still sitting, still and numb.

He disappeared inside this box many, many times over the years. But if he really were to disappear for good, I wouldn't fight for him to stay. It wasn't my battle. I by then, was to weak to get up and walk away. I got to tired of him returning and disappearing so frequently. I closed my eyes, I tried to feel again, but I was still numb.

It were as if I was dead. I slept and slept so I wouldn't feel the pain. I opened my eyes. Even in sleep I was still hollow inside. When I awoke my eyes, he was gone. The box remained in the same position and everything.

He was.... gone. I never got to say good bye. He was gone, just like that. I began to love him, I always did.

I finally slept and slept some more, so I would not feel the pain that I have lost, what I have always wanted. My solider was gone, I repeat to myself everyday once I would wake up. It is a horrifying feeling. I felt like he would come back, but how would he come back? Would there be this Satin Ribbon that would hold him down, and keep him in the drug world? So many questions that I could not get answered. Did I want to know the answers to all my questions?

One day my mom walked in my room, and told me that Taylor, the continence in my box, was taken away to get help, rehab in Utah. I cried and cried. I flooded myself. The sun came out, but I did not get burned. When it was foggy outside I could see. When I was cold I would not shake. I know he is getting help. Now I can see that this is what he needs. He would disappear because he was ashamed? Possible, probably. Over the years, it was a pattern. Why did I sit there for so long? I know why, but no one will understand, only he does.

I grew thin, weak and helpless towards myself. But I felt strong and optimistic about him getting better.

When will I get my box back?

6-10 weeks, 6 weeks on the 9Th of feburary, 7 weeks on the 16Th, 8 weeks 23rd, 9 weeks 30Th. I do not want to think he will be coming back in march, but whatever it takes i will be waiting here.

I know there will be no satin ribbon. I know he will fight it off, but It is not my battle. Since he is out of this box though, I know he will fight to get better. He told me he would do it for me. There will be no Satin ribbon, it is not my battle. I know he has realized, before going in this box, that he did harm towards others, especially towards me. It has been six weeks. I have not heard from him, directly. I know he is getting better. I can just feel it.

At night we see the same moon and the stars in the sky. He is out of the box, basically fighting against himself, and trying to take the path that now, he wants. He wants to become sober. He finally wants this for himself.

When he is cured. I know I will get this box back. I hope there is a light blue ribbon with deep green packaging. I know it will be him though, he has always told me.

He will be better. He has written it in his letters. I know this is it. There will be no more red Satin ribbon.

I was in denial, then I was hurt and angry, frustrated, confused, helpless, hopeless, and a range of negative emotions that i could not contain. Only satin himself could have created a disease that has self deception as a symptom so now the victims deny they are infected, and will vilify those on the outside who see what is happening. I thought it was best to shut myself down. I have always had fear, that his life would end, and that would leave a permanent crack in my soul. but now all i have is hope, i know he will be better. I'm sitting and waiting. I know he will be better, he told me so. I know so. 6 months soon. He will be the Taylor that I have always known and loved, but there will not be that red satin ribbon, he told me so. He believes in himself now.