infected

i am infected both inside and out

you may have no idea what i am talking about

i feel weak and empty, numb

my father talks about my illness as if I were dumb

to be honest this might be true.

step inside my world, i will whisper to you:

i wish i didn't feel so weak inside

i wish i could just run and hide.



i get told everyday

that my sickness increases by the day




i lay on the ground

with no one around.

i hear that voice in my head, and i

just want to break down and cry.

i already do, is that what he wants, he

got his wish, its just me

all alone wishing i were someone to

love, to be able to do "what normal kids do"



i see outside from my bed

looking outside i shake my head

i never had a child hood,

i wish i could,

but it is to late.

my expiration date,

is over expired.

i feel weak, numb and tired.






my head in spinning

and i can not see

the person in the mirror

is that really me?

i wish i had meaning and feeling

but i just sit and mourn

"you have a illness"

i have heard this before

sometimes i even wonder

if living is worth living anymore

i lay on my side

looking up at the ceiling

i wish i felt love

is it a wonder feeling?



i will always hear

that horrible sound

saying you have an illness.

i do not want to be around .

everywhere i go i will hear

that voice telling

me that

i am not well.

you have an illness.

i know this, i can tell.






i want to just say

fuck you

just go away,

fly across the sky

into the clouds, if you'd like

then hopefully you will crash burn and die.

to be honest i would not care

he was never

ever there

for me. all i heard

was a voice

you are infected, AND an illness

but it was never my choice





you have an illness

and this Illness has you

what can i say,

what can i do?



nothing. i just sit here

and think to myself

as i look in the mirror

is that really me?

i will never know

can you tell me ?



i wish i had feeling

but i definitely do not

still laying

on the ground

trying to block it all out.

that horrifying sound,



its stuck in my head.

and will not get out,

as i still lay here, i wish i were dead.



i am infected

cant you see ?

i wish i knew

the real me



i look at the ceiling then the floor

does it matter

any more?

i do not recognize

all i got

is myself and me,

along with that voice

this illness

was never my choice.

when i say i want him dead. i am not saying this out of anger or rage. if i were scared to say it, it would not be on this page. i know teenagers go through these fazes with thier parents. but this is totally different, i can not do much. they give me my pills, like i can not do it myself. just because i have an illness, i am not going to go crazy and kill myself, or go take a car and run into a tree. he has power over me. this i can not control. he is not a nice person. i am a good kid. most kids go out there, in the world and go behind their parents backs. i guess i am to mature for my age or something, or skipped that part on my childhood. in a way i am glad.

he is just not a nice man, i have a disease, and a voice in my head.

i get through the day on thin ice.

that is why i have 504's alot.

i am a stong person, but he is bring me down.

i have hit rock bottom.

i know you can not notice or tell.