It has been five months since we first got together in August.
I go over to his house to have an early Christmas party with his family, along with his older cousins family. I have to admit I did get dressed up. I usually wear sweats and a sweatshirt around the house, and his too. He was very surprised at what I was wearing. I guess he did not think that I would dress up. I know he wouldn't care even if I didn't. I was wearing a low cut white whife beater with a forrest green vip up jacket. I unvipped the jacked to just above my belly button. My jeans were has that washed out look, and had a few rips in them. I tucked in my jeans into my brown uggs. Along with my curled hair that was put up with a clip, and I did my make up. I looked adoreable, according to my mom and her friends that were over.
To be honest though, even though I did look cute, I felt very uncomfortable. I am not use to getting all "dolled" up.
We went to this Mexican restaurant. Just my luck too, I hate Mexican food. Well, I do not hate it, i dislike it far beyond belief. Before we all went in taylor, of course had to take a smoke break. The others decided to go in to get a table. I sat down on a bench just outside of the restaunt, which looked very nice and somewhat vintage looking. His back was turned to me, as he took out a cigarette. He was wearing a button up black shirt that was rolled up just a little. He was wearing dark jeans that had just a tint of light blue to them. He was also wearing nice black nike shoes. He does clean up very well. He turned back around and took in a breath of smoke. I absolutely hate that he smokes. I sit there and look down into the restraunt. "look at me please? he says. Puzzled I look at him. "Why are you wearing a low cut shirt, who are you trying to show your C's to anyways?" I think he is completely joking, so I just laugh. "He turns away and takes another hit from his stogy, then exhales. "I'm not kidding Rach." Yet again I look at him puzzled. "What do you mean?" he laughs. This makes me angry. I am just wearing a low cut shirt. Really? I do not understand his reasoning. Can't I wear what I want?
To tell you a little more about Taylor, as if I haven't menshioned this already, he is very over protective. A little bit over the top, but I am too, but not obviously about clothes, guys can't really be "provocotive". "Rachel, really. You know how I feel about guys checking you out. It sets me off. You know this. I think about it but at the same time, I am just getting dressed up. I laugh still thinking that he is joking. "Should I wear a body suit next time we all go to dinner?I smirk at him. This makes him angry, and I can see it. "Alright Rachel, do what you want. You know it upsets me, and you know that I might be overprotective but you do not notice that more then probably eight guys our age have passed by and looked behind them to see you." I look down. "I can not help that Taylor. Girls have breasts, I can not help that." Of course, since he is mad he gets gets a little more, but tries not to show it. I can see right through it. "I'm sorry Taylor, but I mean really..." he stops me mid sentence "I'm over it Rachel." he says as he exhales the last hit of his third cigarette. THIRD. I do not want to get in an argument, but of course I just have to mention that I do not like the fact that he smokes. I stand up and pull up my jeans. Then I look up at him. He is standing there, hands in his pockets. This time he looks really pissed. He starts to walk inside. I get really upset, he is about to walk in without me?
He luckily stops at the door and holds his hands to the left, as if he is holding the door open for me or something. I, of course, walking past him. I am really upset. I look back at him, and he is right behind me. I feel like crying, and of course he is trying to not look like he is going to punch a wall. I look down and sit down, across from his sister, we are both at the end of the table. To my left, and to her right, sits Courtney. She is at the very very end of the table. I love her to death, she is a little to outgoing, but funny. She is like a little kid. She makes me feel a little more comfortable being there. Especially because I am sitting right across from his sister.
Let me tell you about his lovely....amazing... sister. I can tell she does not like me, but at the same time she does because I am dating her brother. I understand. I am in the same position that she is in. I hate my brothers girlfriend. In never talk to her. She has tried to hang out with me, but I refuse to. I this to her face on a regular basis. She has text messaged me every once in a while though. I know she likes me as a person, but she does not like the fact that me and taylor fight about little things, and of course being the headstrong people that we both are, those little fights become massive. I think that is why she gets "upset with me" or whatever her deal is. I can not put my finger on it though. It is none of her business concerning TAYLOR AND MY relationship. It is annoying. I know she tries to ask Taylor about it. I know he does not go into detail about it. I have not expressed how annoyed at the fact that she does allow his sister to know what is going on in our relationship. Next time the subject comes up, I'm going to tell my brother who wants to crack him in half, what is going on with our relationship, and about how he took my medication and lied about a couple other things that I have already mentioned. My older brother is more over protective then my step dad and Taylor combined. He hates Taylor. They both do drugs. Well taylor did, and Tim, my brother, is still in that "world of drugs". Tim even told me to be careful, of course he would tell me that because he knows about drugs on a first hand basis. He does not and will never like Taylor because I am dating him. I have tried to express to Taylor that it is not him that tim does not like, it is the fact that I am dating a guy, period. Tim will never like any guy I date. And on top of that, its worse because they were caught up in the drug world. Well Tim still is, and is going no where. He is content being in this "dangerous world" that he got sucked in many years ago.
So I keep talking to Courtney every chance I get. Taylor has his hand on my leg. Like a pity "I'm sorry jesture." I know its not out of pity necessarily, but I think its a silent way of saying I'm sorry, before he gets the oppurtunity to say it, and talk about it. I feel a little better knowing he isn't mad. I vip up my jacked, and he looks over at me and gives me a kiss on the cheek
"AW!" Courney screams. Ugh, she would do something like this. It is not awkward becuase it is her, I guess in a way it is funny.fffffffffffffffffff
The only food I had from that restaurant was a quesidilla. Even that was not very good. Everybody else got these huge auntreys that looked like a volcano that a sixth grader would have at a science fair. Of course I ordered a small quesidilla, and i finished before everybody else. I felt really awkward sitting there. I did not have any food on my plate, so I could not use my fork to play with my food. Even so I would have looked ridiculous. I already did though. I felt very nervous. My hands were really clammy, and I felt short of breath. I hardly talked to anyone, unless they asked me a question. I sipped slowly out of my straw to have time pass a little bit faster. Thankfully a server asked if I wanted more sprite, I asked for pepsi. I do not like pepsi that much. I figured if I got that I would not chug it and have to sip on water left over from my ice.
Todd has two kids, Addie, who is around 10, and Nolan, who is about 5. They are very cute, but after a while they got pretty tired of sitting, and they got a little ansy.
I know his older cousin, Todd, who is forty, very well. Taylor, Todd and I use to go to NA and AA meetings together, for Taylor. Oddly enough. Todd's wife, Krista, is best friends with my uncles new wife's, Daughter, Alana. So that is a weird tie. I feel like Tawni does not like me. We are alto alike. So if I am correct she is over protective of Taylor because she is his sister. I hate my brothers girlfriend, just because she is alive. I have nothing against her. I just hate her. Luckily Tawni does not hate me. I know she likes me, but is over protective of Taylor. Understandable. I know how she thinks.
The party was fun.
From then on I hardly talk to Taylor. There is nothing wrong, like we have not been fighting or anything like that. It is just been the holidays and of course everyone is busy.
It is the 27th
My mom and I are at a dealer ship looking for a new car. I get a text message from Taylor saying that we need to go on a break. It is about 6. He says he needs to get his life together, and he needs to think on his own for a while. I respect it. I am very skeptical. I begin to go a little crazy. I am crying histarically, sitting inbetween two cars on the lot. My mom comes over and asks me what is wrong. I do not say anything. I just keep crying. My mom gets so worried, she calls my step dad and tells him to come get me. What Taylor is doing does not make any sense. He tells me he needs to figure stuff out on his own? He has always told me that we work out stuff together.
He told me he can't talk to me for a couple days, to get himself on his feet. I plead to him, basically begging him to stay with me. I remind him all that we have talked about, about talking to each other when something is wrong. He just says this is what he wants, and to wait for him. "Rachel I'm so so sorry. I'm pleading for you to give me some time. I'm begging you. We will not be on a break for long. Just please wait for me. Please Rachel." That is the only text message I remember. I begin to hit things. I basically tear myself apart. My step dad does not come to get me. I sit in my moms car crying histarically. She is next to me rubbing my back. I tell her a little that has happen. She even says that is not the Taylor she knows. He is acting really different. He will not answer my phone calls. I have not seen him since our half year anniversary or whatever. I do not understand at all what is going on. I am basically going crazy as i sit in the front seat of the car.
That night I sleep at my mom's house. My mom send the triplets over to my step dad's house becuase I need some "attention" becuase I "have never acted this way before."
My mom went downstairs to get popcorn and call my step dad and tell him what is going on.
I keep calling Taylors phone. I keep calling and calling and calling. Finally I get an answer.
"Taylor?"
"No, Rachel. It is Taylor's mother. Hun why are you crying, are you ok?"
"I'm sorry I'm crying. I know something is wrong with Taylor. I am so scared for him. Is he ok."
she replies "Sweetie, I can not hear a word you are saying through all your crying. You're making me so sad."
I try not to cry as much and repeat myself.
"Taylor has relapsed." I read his text messages to you. I'm sorry he said that. He is probably ashamed that he has relapsed and was just trying not to hurt you. He does not understand he is. He thinks if he was not with you what he is doing will not affect you. I'm sorry hun. I KNOW he does not mean it. He always told me no matter what he will never be able to break up with you. He loves you so much."
I begin to feel a little better. We talk for a little bit.
My mom comes up, and I am off the phone with his mom.
I am still crying histarically, like I have been for hours. I tell my mom what happen. She is very upset. She thinks this is the first time he has relapsed. I fall asleep in my bed.
the 28th
Taylor calls me. I am so upset. It is in the morning. He tells me that he started drinking around 3 and that is why he was saying all those crazy things. He tells me that he does not want to go on a break. He tells me how sorry he is. I feel sick to my stomach. I tell him that I have been crying histarically for more then a full day and that is all he has to say.
He says he will call me later. His sister is on the other line.
A couple hours go by. I text him asking what is going on. It is about 6 at night. I know something, yet again, is going on. I ask him if he is on drugs. Texts back saying he wants to be on a break. I ask him what kind of break? I tell him that he just told me this morning he wanted one. He then says that he thought about it and that is what he wants. He yet again says that wants me to wait for him. I'm still crying. I do not think I ever stopped. He says he still wants to be in a relationship, after I remind him... well pretty much beg him to stay with me, and tell him that we always work things out, and that is what we have told each other ALWAYS. He then still says he needs time. And he says how sorry he is, and he says he does not want to see me for a while. I cry histarically. He says he needs this. I back off completely
I break down. I shut myself off. I know he is on drugs, or smoking weed or something. I keep texting him just about every minute telling him how much I love him. Then I tell him that I am so hurt that i do not think this will work. He still says nothing. A while later I pretty much beat myself up for saying that. I tell him that I want to be with him, always.
I text him basically the same thing for hours, until I fall asleep, in my moms bed again, at about 9. The last thing he says is that he wants to be in a relationship, but on a break, but exclusive. THAT MAKES NO SENSE. but I'm to heart broken to go into it.
He texts me back at 2, when he is sober. He tells me he wants to be with me, but we need to talk about some stuff in the morning. Nothing bad, but just need to talk about what has been doing on over the past couple days, and the past week since we havent talked. He tells me that he is in love with me and wants things to work out, and he tells me he will call me in the morning.
the 29th
I wake up at 9 and call him, just to be a pain in the ass becuase it is early for him. He does not answer. I tell him I'm going back to sleep, and to call me when he wakes up. My mom sits on the other side of her bed, where I was sleeping. She wakes me up crying and tells me that Taylor got taken away at 5 AM to the rehab facility in Utah. I do not say anything. I am shocked. I begin crying my eyes out. We did not get to talk. I do not know if we are together or not.
the 30th
My mom is trying to keep me busy. I have not changed out of his sweatshirt and pj pants since the 26th. I have showered, yes. My step dad give me 300 dollars to get myself an iTouch. I guess he pays me off to be happy and to like him. I go to the iTouch store. My mom is outside talking to my step dad. I go outside and my mom is crying. It is Taylors mom Lauri. She hands me the phone. Still crying just a little I say "Hello?"
"Rach its Lauri. Taylor wrote me a note today. He told me, as she reads
"Tell Rachel I'm deeply sorry for what I have done to affect her in the past months. Tell her that I still would want to have the honor to be hers, if she still accepts it."
What should I write back. I start crying Of course I want to be with him. And I continue bawling my eyes out
"Rachel, you know you are the reason he has wanted to get better, and you have no idea how much his father and I love you, and appreciate all you have done with Taylor. Of course you can only do so much, Now he needs to help himself, and I think this will do it."
Still crying. I say that it is the best thing for him. He will be back in three months or more. He does not need to go through detox so i know it will be no longer then three months.
Lauri then says that he tried to break up with you, for your sake, and I kept saying no no no it will only hurt me more. She then says hun I know. I understand. He was only looking out for you. He could not break up with you. He wanted to for you. But he knew that is not what you wanted, and that is not what he wanted. He loves you rachel. He loves you so much. You guys have been through so much together.
Him and I are still together. I feel so much better. I will be getting a letter from him soon.
